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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Band's Van Breaks Down

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Promising local band Spacegoat suffered a major setback on its path to fame yesterday, when its 1982 Dodge van broke down en route to a show in Durham.

Yesterday's van breakdown elicited strong reaction from members of the rock group Spacegoat, ranging from "Shit" to "Dude, that bites."

"Shit," said Spacegoat drummer Josh Zell, 20, minutes after the incident occurred. "That sucks big-time."

The unexpected engine failure, which Zell attributed to "like, something near the front snapping," cost Spacegoat's members $30 apiece for a tow truck and caused them to miss their 10 p.m. slot opening for fellow Chapel Hill rockers Third Grade.

"Dude, that could have been our big break," said guitarist Tim Ackles. "Guys from Mammoth [Records] were supposed to be coming to check out Third Grade. They might've signed us too."

"Totally," said bassist Tina Gurghery.

According to mechanics at McHenry Auto Service, the van will not be ready until next Monday, forcing Spacegoat to miss a headlining appearance Saturday night at friend Matt Halyard's party.

"Shit," said Zell. "That's gonna be a great party."

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