adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bank Executives On 15th Floor Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next

Executives place bets on the guy with dreadlocks and his girlfriend.
Executives place bets on the guy with dreadlocks and his girlfriend.

NEW YORK—Peering down from their 15th-floor boardroom onto the Occupy Wall Street encampment in Lower Manhattan's Zuccotti Park, executives at the financial services firm Wittinger Group reportedly placed bets Monday on which protester would be arrested next.

 According to sources, the bankers had gathered around the large picture window in a mahogany-paneled conference room after an exhausting morning of foreclosing on more than 9,000 homes.

"Five-thousand bucks says it's V For Vendetta Guy," bank vice chairman Malcolm Grant said in reference to a protester wearing the stylized Guy Fawkes mask popularized by the 2006 film. "Look at him. He's just asking for the cuffs with that thing on his face. Come on, who's in? That stupid fuck's not gonna last out there long."

According to one executive, "blue hoodie guy is a sure thing."

"Georgie, take your thumb out of your dick and put some cash down," continued Grant, addressing global strategies officer George Malkin. "Pick out one of those little shits and buy me a hot tub."

Witnesses said Malkin, who has earned $21 million in salary and bonuses since the recession began in late 2007, spent several minutes weighing various options for his wager—including a man standing on the sidewalk with a dollar bill taped over his mouth, a woman sitting in a lotus position on a straw mat, and a man playing an African hand percussion instrument in the drum circle at the west end of the park—before finally settling on a woman passing out leaflets.

"She looks more normal than the others, but she's feisty," Malkin said of the clean-cut young woman in a green T-shirt and jeans who had earlier led an impassioned "We are the 99 percent" chant. "You know she's going to open her yap one too many times and get a face full of pepper spray. Yeah, no doubt in my mind. That mouthy bitch is a winner, all right."

"Don't get me wrong—it'd be a shame to see titties like those get hauled off to jail," said Malkin, 43, adding with a chuckle that if the girl really needed a job, he'd be more than happy to give her a shot in several positions. "But if she makes me 5,000 bucks, they can stick her on death row for all I care."

Over the next hour, the bankers, whose employer was kept afloat by having more than $19 billion of its toxic assets purchased by taxpayers as part of the 2008 TARP bailout, not only continued betting amongst themselves but also received calls from executives at Bank of America and J.P. Morgan who said they wanted "in on the action."

 While wagers generally revolved around who would be taken into custody next, additional side bets were reportedly made on specific aspects of the arrest, such as the amount of force police officers would apply and whether or not things would turn violent.

 "It looked like the cops had my guy—some scrawny hippie with a braided beard—totally under control," dejected chief of compliance Ben Dubner said. "So I thought [risk management officer Tony] Calcagno was an idiot for betting me double-or-nothing they would tase him. Well, next thing you know, he's twitching and flopping on the grass, I'm out 15 grand, and now I'll probably have to miss the Antigua Yacht Regatta."

 "It's just not fair," Dubner added.

 By 2 p.m., the gambling had ended, with a reported $1.1 million having changed hands, though the executives acknowledged they might have lost track of a stray $10,000 or so. Sources said Grant, who had championed the protester in the Guy Fawkes mask, had won the largest betting pool and taken home $130,000.

 "Pay up, motherfuckers!" a jubilant Grant said. "Pay the fuck up!"

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close