adBlockCheck

Bank Executives On 15th Floor Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Bank Executives On 15th Floor Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next

Executives place bets on the guy with dreadlocks and his girlfriend.
Executives place bets on the guy with dreadlocks and his girlfriend.

NEW YORK—Peering down from their 15th-floor boardroom onto the Occupy Wall Street encampment in Lower Manhattan's Zuccotti Park, executives at the financial services firm Wittinger Group reportedly placed bets Monday on which protester would be arrested next.

 According to sources, the bankers had gathered around the large picture window in a mahogany-paneled conference room after an exhausting morning of foreclosing on more than 9,000 homes.

"Five-thousand bucks says it's V For Vendetta Guy," bank vice chairman Malcolm Grant said in reference to a protester wearing the stylized Guy Fawkes mask popularized by the 2006 film. "Look at him. He's just asking for the cuffs with that thing on his face. Come on, who's in? That stupid fuck's not gonna last out there long."

According to one executive, "blue hoodie guy is a sure thing."

"Georgie, take your thumb out of your dick and put some cash down," continued Grant, addressing global strategies officer George Malkin. "Pick out one of those little shits and buy me a hot tub."

Witnesses said Malkin, who has earned $21 million in salary and bonuses since the recession began in late 2007, spent several minutes weighing various options for his wager—including a man standing on the sidewalk with a dollar bill taped over his mouth, a woman sitting in a lotus position on a straw mat, and a man playing an African hand percussion instrument in the drum circle at the west end of the park—before finally settling on a woman passing out leaflets.

"She looks more normal than the others, but she's feisty," Malkin said of the clean-cut young woman in a green T-shirt and jeans who had earlier led an impassioned "We are the 99 percent" chant. "You know she's going to open her yap one too many times and get a face full of pepper spray. Yeah, no doubt in my mind. That mouthy bitch is a winner, all right."

"Don't get me wrong—it'd be a shame to see titties like those get hauled off to jail," said Malkin, 43, adding with a chuckle that if the girl really needed a job, he'd be more than happy to give her a shot in several positions. "But if she makes me 5,000 bucks, they can stick her on death row for all I care."

Over the next hour, the bankers, whose employer was kept afloat by having more than $19 billion of its toxic assets purchased by taxpayers as part of the 2008 TARP bailout, not only continued betting amongst themselves but also received calls from executives at Bank of America and J.P. Morgan who said they wanted "in on the action."

 While wagers generally revolved around who would be taken into custody next, additional side bets were reportedly made on specific aspects of the arrest, such as the amount of force police officers would apply and whether or not things would turn violent.

 "It looked like the cops had my guy—some scrawny hippie with a braided beard—totally under control," dejected chief of compliance Ben Dubner said. "So I thought [risk management officer Tony] Calcagno was an idiot for betting me double-or-nothing they would tase him. Well, next thing you know, he's twitching and flopping on the grass, I'm out 15 grand, and now I'll probably have to miss the Antigua Yacht Regatta."

 "It's just not fair," Dubner added.

 By 2 p.m., the gambling had ended, with a reported $1.1 million having changed hands, though the executives acknowledged they might have lost track of a stray $10,000 or so. Sources said Grant, who had championed the protester in the Guy Fawkes mask, had won the largest betting pool and taken home $130,000.

 "Pay up, motherfuckers!" a jubilant Grant said. "Pay the fuck up!"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close