adBlockCheck

Business

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bankrupt Motivational Speaker Adds Word 'Failure' To His Vocabulary

STILLWATER, OK—Motivational speaker Ron Kalbee was long known for saying, "The word failure is not in my vocabulary." Author of the best-selling You Can Do It!, his eight-step plan to personal fulfillment has helped millions turn dreams into reality.

Motivational speaker Ron Kalbee, pictured above in better times at one of his hugely popular <I>Go For It!</I> seminars, recently added a new word to his vocabulary following a string of personal and professional disasters.

Now, according to Kalbee, after six failed real-estate ventures, two divorces, two bankruptcies and a five- to ten-year prison sentence for tax evasion, he is adding the word to his vocabulary.

"I am a miserable, hopeless failure," said Kalbee from his 5'x5' cell in Stillwater State Prison. "Am I ready to add the word? You better believe it."

At the height of his career, Kalbee packed conference rooms from Florida to California with aspiring entrepreneurs who paid $249 to hear him speak.

"Attendees of my 'Strategies For Success' seminars would say the 'F' word and I would stop them dead in their tracks," Kalbee said. "Failure is not a word!' I would tell them. 'You haven't failed, you've had a learning experience that will lay the groundwork for future success!' Well, as I now know, failure most definitely is a word."

While unable to obtain alcoholic drinks in prison, Kalbee has developed "Strategies For Getting Drunk," a cassette tape series intended for "failures like me" that he plans to produce upon his early release in 2002. "It's a three-point plan that I have already proved works. It goes: One, pour gin into glass; two, drink gin; three, repeat 15 times."

Kalbee is also co-developing a new motivational system with his cellmate that he calls "Beat-cessories." It includes the "Five Points of Facial Blows" and "Anal-Rape Blackout Strategies."

Kalbee's failure was so broad in scope that even those around him and those who learned from his motivational methods have become failures.

"He ruined my life," said Judy Sims, a mother of four from Elyria, OH.

Sims purchased Kalbee's Go For It! cassette tape series. After listening to the tape, she adopted Kalbee's Three Habits of Successful Living: Invest Everything, Work Hard, Hope. She then squandered her family's savings attempting to realize her dream of owning her own family-style chicken and waffle restaurant. When the restaurant went out of business, she had to sell the family home, put her children in foster care and become a $30-a-night prostitute just to pay off creditors.

"I also have AIDS," Sims added.

According to Kalbee, there's no hope for those who've tried his success strategies. "They will fail, just like me, in everything they do."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close