Bankrupt Motivational Speaker Adds Word 'Failure' To His Vocabulary

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Vol 31 Issue 02

Satan To Revise Bar Code System

NEW YORK—Responding to retailers' calls to "streamline the Mark of the Beast," Satan announced plans Monday to make significant changes in the UPC symbol by the end of the millenium. "All men, small and great, rich and poor, slave and free, shall bear the mark of the beast," Satan said. The mark, "666," now hidden in every UPC symbol, may be more effective if taken off products and burned directly onto consumers' foreheads or hands, according to The Father of Lies. Said National Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan: "As foretold in the Book of Revelations, it shall come to pass that no man shall be able to buy or sell without the Mark of the Beast." The new bar code system will be introduced through a series of televised public-service announcements featuring Friends star Matthew Perry and Satan, who will appear as a beast with seven heads and ten horns.

Local Senior Impressed With Restaurant Cheesecake

HOBOKEN, NJ—According to reports, area senior Herbert Bloch, 69, was "impressed" with the slice of strawberry cheesecake served to him at the Denny's restaurant on Sand Hill Road Monday. "The cheesecake was very flavorful and moist," Bloch was reported to have told the server. He also was rumored to have praised the flaky crust and said that the cake had "just the right amount of whipped cream." Sources close to Bloch's server indicated that prior to his ordering of the cheesecake, Bloch consumed a Philadelphia cheese-steak sandwich. It was believed that he found it to be delicious, as well. Sources inside Denny's believe that Bloch, who dined alone, commented on the cheesecake in a sad attempt to engage another human being in conversation. Bloch is expected to return to Denny's in the future to order more cheesecake.

Hubble Space Telescope Finds Men From Venus, Women From Mars

PASADENA, CA—Astrophysicists and self-help authors alike expressed shock Friday when new data from the Hubble Space Telescope indicated that, contrary to prior belief, men are from Venus and women are from Mars. "Ever since Copernicus' Third Universal Law On Why Men Can't Cry, scientists have believed the opposite, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus," Chief NASA Engineer Stanley Fordham said. Hubble data clearly indicates that Venus features an inhospitable atmosphere that does not easily express its emotions and tends to hog the remote control when watching TV. New spectrographic photographs of the Mars surface, on the other hand, shows a sharing planet, open with its emotions and very nurturing.

Dole Makes Pretend White House Out Of Card Table, Sheet

RUSSELL, KS—Making his lifelong dream of becoming president a make-believe reality, 1996 Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole created a pretend White House Monday by draping a white bedsheet over a card table. Dole advisors say the former Kansas senator will reside in the pretend White House for the next four years. From under the card table, Dole told reporters, "This is Bob Dole's special White House. Bob Dole doesn't need anybody else to get to the White House." Sources close to Dole say that his White House, erected in a corner of the basement in his Russell, KS, home, is merely the first tangible manifestation of a larger make-believe universe in which Dole has resided for years.

I Didn't Become A Millionaire By Overtipping

You see these hands? These hands have shaken the ruby and emerald-bejeweled hands of the Grand Sheik Emir of Omar Al Habib El Sababa! Now, you think that any time some uneducated, unmarried, trailer-trash waitress with four kids and another one on the way carries a couple of plates back and forth from my table, I'm suddenly supposed to start throwing my hard-earned dollar bills around like they're confetti? I'm afraid not! I didn't become a millionaire by overtipping, you know.

Right-to-Die Controversy

Right-to-die has been a hot issue of late, with both pro- and anti-right-to-die forces holding large demonstrations across the U.S. What do you think of physician-assisted suicide?

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Evita Is A Dance Of A Good Time

Hello and welcome back to my newspaper column entitled "The Silver Screen." As you may recall, in my newspaper column I often will tell you about which movies will put the brass in your buttons and which of the motion picture entertainments are not worth an old shoe's worth of nickels.
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Bankrupt Motivational Speaker Adds Word 'Failure' To His Vocabulary

STILLWATER, OK—Motivational speaker Ron Kalbee was long known for saying, "The word failure is not in my vocabulary." Author of the best-selling You Can Do It!, his eight-step plan to personal fulfillment has helped millions turn dreams into reality.

Motivational speaker Ron Kalbee, pictured above in better times at one of his hugely popular <I>Go For It!</I> seminars, recently added a new word to his vocabulary following a string of personal and professional disasters.

Now, according to Kalbee, after six failed real-estate ventures, two divorces, two bankruptcies and a five- to ten-year prison sentence for tax evasion, he is adding the word to his vocabulary.

"I am a miserable, hopeless failure," said Kalbee from his 5'x5' cell in Stillwater State Prison. "Am I ready to add the word? You better believe it."

At the height of his career, Kalbee packed conference rooms from Florida to California with aspiring entrepreneurs who paid $249 to hear him speak.

"Attendees of my 'Strategies For Success' seminars would say the 'F' word and I would stop them dead in their tracks," Kalbee said. "Failure is not a word!' I would tell them. 'You haven't failed, you've had a learning experience that will lay the groundwork for future success!' Well, as I now know, failure most definitely is a word."

While unable to obtain alcoholic drinks in prison, Kalbee has developed "Strategies For Getting Drunk," a cassette tape series intended for "failures like me" that he plans to produce upon his early release in 2002. "It's a three-point plan that I have already proved works. It goes: One, pour gin into glass; two, drink gin; three, repeat 15 times."

Kalbee is also co-developing a new motivational system with his cellmate that he calls "Beat-cessories." It includes the "Five Points of Facial Blows" and "Anal-Rape Blackout Strategies."

Kalbee's failure was so broad in scope that even those around him and those who learned from his motivational methods have become failures.

"He ruined my life," said Judy Sims, a mother of four from Elyria, OH.

Sims purchased Kalbee's Go For It! cassette tape series. After listening to the tape, she adopted Kalbee's Three Habits of Successful Living: Invest Everything, Work Hard, Hope. She then squandered her family's savings attempting to realize her dream of owning her own family-style chicken and waffle restaurant. When the restaurant went out of business, she had to sell the family home, put her children in foster care and become a $30-a-night prostitute just to pay off creditors.

"I also have AIDS," Sims added.

According to Kalbee, there's no hope for those who've tried his success strategies. "They will fail, just like me, in everything they do."

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