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Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.
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Bankrupt Motivational Speaker Adds Word 'Failure' To His Vocabulary

STILLWATER, OK—Motivational speaker Ron Kalbee was long known for saying, "The word failure is not in my vocabulary." Author of the best-selling You Can Do It!, his eight-step plan to personal fulfillment has helped millions turn dreams into reality.

Motivational speaker Ron Kalbee, pictured above in better times at one of his hugely popular <I>Go For It!</I> seminars, recently added a new word to his vocabulary following a string of personal and professional disasters.

Now, according to Kalbee, after six failed real-estate ventures, two divorces, two bankruptcies and a five- to ten-year prison sentence for tax evasion, he is adding the word to his vocabulary.

"I am a miserable, hopeless failure," said Kalbee from his 5'x5' cell in Stillwater State Prison. "Am I ready to add the word? You better believe it."

At the height of his career, Kalbee packed conference rooms from Florida to California with aspiring entrepreneurs who paid $249 to hear him speak.

"Attendees of my 'Strategies For Success' seminars would say the 'F' word and I would stop them dead in their tracks," Kalbee said. "Failure is not a word!' I would tell them. 'You haven't failed, you've had a learning experience that will lay the groundwork for future success!' Well, as I now know, failure most definitely is a word."

While unable to obtain alcoholic drinks in prison, Kalbee has developed "Strategies For Getting Drunk," a cassette tape series intended for "failures like me" that he plans to produce upon his early release in 2002. "It's a three-point plan that I have already proved works. It goes: One, pour gin into glass; two, drink gin; three, repeat 15 times."

Kalbee is also co-developing a new motivational system with his cellmate that he calls "Beat-cessories." It includes the "Five Points of Facial Blows" and "Anal-Rape Blackout Strategies."

Kalbee's failure was so broad in scope that even those around him and those who learned from his motivational methods have become failures.

"He ruined my life," said Judy Sims, a mother of four from Elyria, OH.

Sims purchased Kalbee's Go For It! cassette tape series. After listening to the tape, she adopted Kalbee's Three Habits of Successful Living: Invest Everything, Work Hard, Hope. She then squandered her family's savings attempting to realize her dream of owning her own family-style chicken and waffle restaurant. When the restaurant went out of business, she had to sell the family home, put her children in foster care and become a $30-a-night prostitute just to pay off creditors.

"I also have AIDS," Sims added.

According to Kalbee, there's no hope for those who've tried his success strategies. "They will fail, just like me, in everything they do."

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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

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