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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Bar Mitzvah Marks Local Boy's Passage Into Materialism

BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—Thirteen-year-old Joshua Nussbaum of Bloomfield Hills became a full-fledged consumer Saturday upon the event of his Bar Mitzvah, the traditional Jewish ceremony and subsequent extravagant catered affair that marks a boy's passage into materialism. "From this day forth, I shall acquire wealth and goods in the venerated tradition of my fathers," Nussbaum said during the five-hour, $18,000 reception, which featured a live band, a professional balloon-animal artist, and a video retrospective of his life on a big-screen TV purchased for the occasion. Added Nussbaum, who collected more than $21,000 in Bar Mitzvah gifts and cash: "Today, I am a consumer."

After Birth

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