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DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

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MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

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ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

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NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Bar Owner Cannot Fucking Believe He Actually Sponsored An Adult Kickball Team

ST. LOUIS—According to staff at the Paddle Wheel Tavern, owner Wayne Trimble, 48, admitted Thursday night that he had no goddamn idea why he ever decided to sponsor a team in an adult kickball league.

Trimble is still in disbelief that he's paying money for grown-ups to kick around an oversized rubber ball in the park.

The team, known as the Ballbusters, is a group of grown men and women from Trimble's neighborhood who play competitive kickball matches against other area teams of grown men and women on Sunday afternoons in Tower Grove Park.

"Why? Why in hell did I think this was a good idea?" said Trimble, explaining that a bearded 27-year-old wearing skinny jeans came into his establishment last month and told him all the local bars were sponsoring kickball teams. "This guy kept bugging me, and next thing I know I'm forking over 500 bucks for T-shirts, headbands, and some idiotic striped tube socks they just had to have."

When asked what possessed him to connect his bar to a team of college-educated adults who play kickball, a game normally enjoyed by second-graders, Trimble responded by saying that he had obviously lost his fucking mind.

The Ballbusters

"I guess I thought it might be a good way to get the bar's name out there," Trimble said. "Business has been tough lately, and I thought maybe I should try and get more young people in here. Huge, huge mistake."

"Now this place is going to be known as a kickball bar," Trimble added. "If another asshole comes in here wearing a 'scoregasm' shirt, I won't even be able to look myself in the mirror anymore."

Trimble, who attended the Paddle Wheel Ballbusters' first game earlier this month, said he was initially disappointed when the only people to show up were himself and a couple of the players' chain-smoking girlfriends. However, after witnessing the first few minutes of the competition, Trimble said he began praying no one would ever associate him or his bar with this group of 24- to 33-year-olds running around acting like morons.

"All the guys thought it would be so funny to cut off their brand-new shirts like football jerseys so their guts would hang out," Trimble said. "Everyone had these goofy hats and crap. And I'm the jackass who paid for it all."

It appeared to Trimble that many of the players did not know the most basic rules of the game, and he finally left in disgust after one of them somehow managed to strike out.

According to Paddle Wheel Tavern bartender Reid Henton, 28, in the weeks since forming their team, the Ballbusters have gone from treating kickball as some kind of joke to becoming complete assholes about it, boasting of their triumphs on the playing field and talking shit about other teams' footwear.

"This one guy with a dipshit haircut who was trying to show everyone how he threw someone out accidentally whipped the ball across the bar and broke a dozen pint glasses," Henton said. "Then after last week's game some chick came behind the bar and starting filling up her own pitcher. When I asked her what the fuck she was doing, she said it was for the goddamn kickball team."

"And not one of these brats can order a drink without using a fancy-ass name for it," Henton added. "You want a 'Cape Codder'? It's called a vodka-and-cranberry, dickhead."

After confirming that sales of Pabst Blue Ribbon had doubled since he began sponsoring the team, Trimble confessed that the new business was coming from patrons he never wanted in his bar in the first place.

"These are people I should be beating up, not bankrolling," Trimble said. "Now this place is turning into a total hipster nightmare."

"Maybe the new dodgeball team I'm sponsoring will be better," he added.

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