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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Bar Patrons Dismayed By Sight Of Band Setting Up

ATLANTA—Patrons of Valentine's Tavern were visibly crestfallen Tuesday when their pleasant evening of drinking and conversing with friends was suddenly derailed by the sight of a few people plugging in instruments. "Ah, Christ," bar-goer Nick Manikat said as a stand-up bass was rolled onto the stage. "They have live music here?" According to patrons who had just ordered a round and did not have time to finish their drinks before the band's set began, they were going to be stuck there for at least 15 or 20 fucking minutes.

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