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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Bar Scene Also Tired Of Area Bachelor

NEW YORK—Arguing that area bachelor Gary Tate, 34, is "becoming too old for this lifestyle," hundreds of representatives from the New York bar scene told reporters Monday that they are just as tired of Tate as he is of them. "Every night it's the same old thing," said bartender Keith Sampson, who called Tate loud, obnoxious, and always stinking of cigarettes. "The only way we can tolerate this guy is if all of us are completely wasted. It's just not worth the effort anymore." Sampson added that the bar scene is willing to give Tate one last chance, in hopes that he will be "awesome and fun" like he was that one night seven years ago.

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