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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

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HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

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DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

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MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Bar Skanks Announce Plans To Kiss

COLUMBUS, OH—In an announcement that received wide attention throughout Wolverine's Tavern Tuesday, bar skanks Stephanie Fletcher and Jessica Keneally stated that they would share a passionate kiss at an unspecified time that evening.

"Steph and I are totally hot for each other," Keneally said over the loud music to several unspecified bar patrons. "We're going to make out. We don't care who's watching."

The skanks pose for one of the hundreds of pictures taken over the course of the night.

According to eyewitnesses who looked up the second they walked in the door, the 22-year-old skanks arrived at the bar at approximately 10 p.m, dressed in their usual skank attire of low-cut tank tops paired with either low-rider jeans or a short skirt, and exposed, brightly colored thongs.

After downing their third cosmopolitans, the two skanks stood up and began grinding to the R. Kelly song "I'm a Flirt," which caused a nearby conversation about the Cleveland Indians to come to a sudden halt.

"Quit staring," Keneally said to the approximately 25 male patrons in the immediate vicinity, all of whom were by that time involuntarily ogling the skank-ass pair. "Oh my God, you guys are such pervs."

Fletcher would neither confirm nor deny that the kiss would involve tongue, saying that bargoers "would just have to wait."

The skank duo gyrates lasciviously as a growing crowd of men capture mental images for later use.

"Who knows what will go down," Fletcher said as she reached into Keneally's tight top and tweaked her left breast with her thumb and middle finger in front of seven rapt onlookers. "Possibly us."    

In previous months, Keneally and Fletcher have, either separately or together, shown off their lower-back tattoos, held a loud conversation about who had the larger breasts, and displayed their oral sex techniques on bottles of Bud Light. Neither is a lesbian.

"Those chicks are all over each other— awesome!" said 24-year-old Matt Lalley, one of dozens of slightly intoxicated males who, despite their highly evolved brains, were unable to stop looking at the suggestive twosome. "This is going to be the best night of my life."

As the evening wore on, the skanks' hair grew lank and stringy, increasingly clinging to their sweaty faces despite frequent coquettish head tosses. The heat and close quarters of the small bar also caused  the sparkly body makeup worn by Fletcher to collect in the crevices of her collarbone and between her breasts. According to Wolverine's bartender Helene Dorman, the skanks also left thick hot pink lipstick prints on their drink glasses.

However, none of these factors resulted in any decrease in the amount of attention paid to the skanks.

"I just can't look away," said Frank Sturm, watching as Keneally leaned over the pool table to display her plunging neckline for the ninth time. "And the thing is, the one in the skirt isn't even all that hot."

"I'd really like to think I'm above this," Sturm's friend, Greg Kleist, added. "But what can I say? I'm not. They're totally going to kiss."

Not everyone was as enthusiastic about the pair's announcement. A 28-year-old female bar patron rolled her eyes at the girls' predictable antics, and was immediately dismissed by Fletcher and Keneally as "jealous." The bartender reported that she'd seen similar scenes play out on countless other evenings.

"You mean the one that flashed her tits last week is gonna make out with the girl who was telling everyone she wasn't wearing any underwear?" Dorman asked while setting out newly washed glasses. "Whatever."

As of press time, the pair had still not kissed, as they were rumored to be waiting for someone to buy them another drink before astonishing onlookers with their shocking intra-gender lip-lock.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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