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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Bar Skanks Announce Plans To Kiss

COLUMBUS, OH—In an announcement that received wide attention throughout Wolverine's Tavern Tuesday, bar skanks Stephanie Fletcher and Jessica Keneally stated that they would share a passionate kiss at an unspecified time that evening.

"Steph and I are totally hot for each other," Keneally said over the loud music to several unspecified bar patrons. "We're going to make out. We don't care who's watching."

The skanks pose for one of the hundreds of pictures taken over the course of the night.

According to eyewitnesses who looked up the second they walked in the door, the 22-year-old skanks arrived at the bar at approximately 10 p.m, dressed in their usual skank attire of low-cut tank tops paired with either low-rider jeans or a short skirt, and exposed, brightly colored thongs.

After downing their third cosmopolitans, the two skanks stood up and began grinding to the R. Kelly song "I'm a Flirt," which caused a nearby conversation about the Cleveland Indians to come to a sudden halt.

"Quit staring," Keneally said to the approximately 25 male patrons in the immediate vicinity, all of whom were by that time involuntarily ogling the skank-ass pair. "Oh my God, you guys are such pervs."

Fletcher would neither confirm nor deny that the kiss would involve tongue, saying that bargoers "would just have to wait."

The skank duo gyrates lasciviously as a growing crowd of men capture mental images for later use.

"Who knows what will go down," Fletcher said as she reached into Keneally's tight top and tweaked her left breast with her thumb and middle finger in front of seven rapt onlookers. "Possibly us."    

In previous months, Keneally and Fletcher have, either separately or together, shown off their lower-back tattoos, held a loud conversation about who had the larger breasts, and displayed their oral sex techniques on bottles of Bud Light. Neither is a lesbian.

"Those chicks are all over each other— awesome!" said 24-year-old Matt Lalley, one of dozens of slightly intoxicated males who, despite their highly evolved brains, were unable to stop looking at the suggestive twosome. "This is going to be the best night of my life."

As the evening wore on, the skanks' hair grew lank and stringy, increasingly clinging to their sweaty faces despite frequent coquettish head tosses. The heat and close quarters of the small bar also caused  the sparkly body makeup worn by Fletcher to collect in the crevices of her collarbone and between her breasts. According to Wolverine's bartender Helene Dorman, the skanks also left thick hot pink lipstick prints on their drink glasses.

However, none of these factors resulted in any decrease in the amount of attention paid to the skanks.

"I just can't look away," said Frank Sturm, watching as Keneally leaned over the pool table to display her plunging neckline for the ninth time. "And the thing is, the one in the skirt isn't even all that hot."

"I'd really like to think I'm above this," Sturm's friend, Greg Kleist, added. "But what can I say? I'm not. They're totally going to kiss."

Not everyone was as enthusiastic about the pair's announcement. A 28-year-old female bar patron rolled her eyes at the girls' predictable antics, and was immediately dismissed by Fletcher and Keneally as "jealous." The bartender reported that she'd seen similar scenes play out on countless other evenings.

"You mean the one that flashed her tits last week is gonna make out with the girl who was telling everyone she wasn't wearing any underwear?" Dorman asked while setting out newly washed glasses. "Whatever."

As of press time, the pair had still not kissed, as they were rumored to be waiting for someone to buy them another drink before astonishing onlookers with their shocking intra-gender lip-lock.

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