Bar-Trivia Champ Being A Real Dick About It

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Vol 38 Issue 16

Correct Theory Discarded In Favor Of More Exciting Theory

GRETNA, NE— The correct theory regarding the closing of Marvin's Diner was discarded Monday in favor of a far more exciting theory. "I bet the Omaha mafia muscled them out," said Gretna resident Lucinda Dunfee, pondering the fate of Marvin's Diner, which was shut down due to health-code violations. "They were taking business away from Steak Barrel, and those guys don't care who they get mixed up with." Dunfee noted that the restaurant's trash cans were often overturned during the night, which was likely an act of intimidation on the part of the Omaha crime syndicate.

Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends

WAKEFIELD, MA— Sarah Ammons, 14, expressed befuddlement Monday, when, during a ride to school, her father attempted to entertain her and several friends with an impromptu impersonation of late comedian and Hollywood Squares regular Paul Lynde. "The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy!" Bob Ammons, 41, bleated nasally in an imitation of the once-popular pop-culture reference. "Paul Lynde." Added Ammons: "Center square, usually sat between George Gobel and Rose Marie? Voice of Templeton the rat?" After dropping the girls off at school, Ammons stared into his car's rear-view mirror at the crow's feet developing around his eyes.

TV Guide Channel Tops Nielsens

LOS ANGELES— For the 11th straight week, the TV Guide Channel topped the Nielsen ratings, scoring blockbuster numbers in virtually all time slots and days of the week. "The frustrating experience of trying to find something decent on TV has meant ratings gold for the TV Guide Channel, Variety editor Peter Bart said. "By providing a means to search for something—anything—worth watching, this 24-hour electronic scroll has made itself America's most-watched channel."

Secretary Of Agriculture Gently Reminded About Dress Code

WASHINGTON, DC— After attending Monday's Cabinet meeting in a flannel work shirt and tattered jeans, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman was gently reminded by President Bush about the executive-branch dress code. "Say, you know, we get a lot of foreign dignitaries coming through here," Bush told Veneman. "So I think it might be a good idea if you had a little bit more of a professional appearance. Like maybe a nice navy-blue dress." Bush also encouraged Veneman to consider dress shoes instead of her usual steel-toe work boots.

Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night

VIENNA, VA— The sales associate three desks over from Chevy/Geo dealer Karl Glodek is going on and on about the chick he banged last night, sources reported Monday. "You would not believe the stamina on this chick. Hours. She was a total freak," the salesman told an unnamed friend over the phone, as well as Glodek and the couple about to sign on a 2002 Chevy Prizm sedan. "Incredible rack, too—like, out to here." Glodek then suggested the couple go outside for "one more look at that beaut of a Prizm."

The Robert Blake Murder Case

Arrested nearly a year after his wife was fatally shot, actor Robert Blake is pleading not guilty to murder charges. What do you think?

Little Chelsea Clinton Is All Grown Up And Glamorous!

Item! Remember Chelsea Clinton? Wasn't it nice to have a presidential daughter who wasn't posing for Playboy or getting drunk? Instead, she was her own sweet self, full of flowers and sunshine, bringing cheer to everyone she met. Now, she's all grown up and glamorous, thanks to an expensive European makeover. It's nice to see Chelsea with her hair straightened sitting next to the likes of Gwenneth Paltrow and Madonna at Italian fashion shows. Can acting be too far off in her future? Keeping my fingers crossed...
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Bar-Trivia Champ Being A Real Dick About It

SHARONVILLE, OH—Shawn Gause, 34, a Cincinnati-area resident and bar-trivia champion, is a real dick about his trivia prowess, patrons of McSorley's Pub reported Tuesday.

Widely disliked trivia champion Shawn Gause.

"I used to look forward to Monday trivia nights," bar patron Christine Deroia said. "But not since Mr. I-Win-All-The-Time-And-Am-A-Royal-Asshole-About-It started coming around. God, that guy burns me up."

Gause first visited McSorley's on March 4 after hearing brother-in-law Douglas Lang mention the bar's weekly trivia night. He decided to participate, Gause said, to "show them how it's done."

"I'm way into trivia," said Gause, an associate manager at Fast & Reliable Electricians. "No, let me correct that. I am the Trivia Master, the undisputed King Of Knowledge. Anything about baseball, don't even bother asking. Name a Beatles song, I'll tell you the year it came out and what album it's on. History, literature, pop culture... you name it, I am The Man."

A popular hangout for clerical and maintenance employees at nearby Bethesda North Hospital, McSorley's purchased its trivia-network computer system and tabletop consoles in 1997. Players form four-person teams and compete for points by answering multiple-choice questions displayed on the bar's three TV sets.

Gause, who has not missed a trivia night since his March 4 debut, quickly earned the enmity of his fellow bar patrons.

"Shari [Messner]'s team actually dropped out because this jerk made them so nervous with his super-competitiveness," Deroia said. "Whenever somebody misses a question, he cackles this really loud, horribly grating cackle. And if it's an easy question, he'll be like, 'How could anybody not know that?' Everybody else is just trying to have fun, but he treats it like it's the friggin' Super Bowl."

According to Deroia, Gause's arrival on the scene spoiled several good-natured, longtime rivalries.

"Before Shawn messed everything up, it was fun to see how The A-Team was going to do against Triviazilla. Or whether Bengals Suck would whip We All Love Don," Deroia said. "Now, me and the other gals on The Know-It-Alls don't even have a good time when we play against our husbands on The Avengers. We're all too busy being annoyed by that cocksucker."

The TVs at McSorley's.

Gause has antagonized nearly every person at McSorley's, including Larry Olberding, his friend and former teammate on the Knights Of The Bar Table.

"I tried to tell Shawn that it's all for fun," Olberding said. "Everyone likes to get into it and yell and cheer, but no one really cares who wins. They just want to hang out and have a good time. My God, it's trivia. Has that fact escaped him?"

Gause's constant running commentary, bar patrons say, ranks among his most irritating habits. As soon as each question appears, he gives his opinion of its difficulty level, snorting derisively and saying "Eeeasy," for simple questions. If the question is more difficult, he makes grunting sounds and then says, "That's a good one."

"After every answer is revealed, he has to give some related trivia tidbit to show how smart he is," said Patrick Baugh of the Wassup?!? team. "Like, at one point, they asked, 'Who played Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With The Wind?' So when Vivien Leigh is posted on the screen as the answer, he says, 'Originally, the Scarlett role was supposed to go to Bette Davis.' Because, I guess, just knowing that Vivien Leigh played Scarlett O'Hara isn't impressive enough."

Due to his competitive nature, Gause has had to recruit new teammates each week.

"[Gause] usually convinces a few suckers to play with him so they can get in on the $40 bar tab for the winners," waitress Laurie Gibson said. "But then he gives them so much shit when they get questions wrong, they always eventually quit. I don't blame them."

Though bargoers have cherished the few times Gause has lost, cheering wildly and mobbing the winning team, he is even more unbearable in defeat.

"For, like, an hour after he loses, everyone has to hear this big litany of excuses why he lost: The questions were stupid, he wasn't trying, his console wasn't working... you name it," Baugh said. "Just admit you were beaten fair and square, you stupid, annoying, pompous... trivia dick."

Though Gause's fellow McSorley's patrons used to criticize him only behind his back, they no longer hold their comments until he exits the bar. On Monday, when Gause was once again victorious, a voice from the bar's rear yelled, "Leave and never come back. No one wants you here."

Embarrassed to be the person who first brought Gause to the bar, Lang has attempted to distance himself from his brother-in-law. The last several weeks, Lang has either skipped Trivia Night or sat silently in the back of the bar and avoided him.

"Last week, this group of women started throwing ice cubes at Shawn," Lang said. "When he just ignored it, some guys reached behind the bar and started chucking entire handfuls at him. Finally, Shawn stands up and says, 'I'm so on fire tonight, I could use a cooling-off.' So he takes one of the ice cubes that went down his shirt and pops it in his mouth. I've tried to talk to him, but he's just determined to be a jackass."

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