adBlockCheck

Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Barack Obama Defeats Barack Hussein Obama

WASHINGTON—In one of the most hotly contested and pivotal races in U.S. history, Democratic candidate Barack Obama emerged victorious on Nov. 4, beating out the one man who could have taken the presidency away from him, Barack Hussein Obama.

According to sources, the socialist Muslim radical, who had close ties to known terrorists, smoked crack cocaine in the back of a limousine, and was by all accounts the Antichrist himself, emerged out of nowhere in late 2007 to challenge the progressive junior Senator from Illinois. Though few had heard of the freedom-hating extremist before, Barack Hussein Obama quickly garnered attention in several key regions of the country, and saw his popularity buoyed by conservative talk-radio hosts, mass e-mail forwards, and thousands of Americans riding on the backs of flatbed trucks.

With a final push in the weeks leading up to the election, and fervent endorsements from Sen. John McCain, Gov. Sarah Palin, and Sean Hannity, many reportedly feared that Barack Hussein Obama would somehow manage to inch out Barack Obama on Election Day.

"It was a hard-fought campaign, and [Barack Hussein Obama] definitely gave it his all, but in the end he just didn't have enough credibility with the American people," said political analyst and NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams. "Still, he's probably the best candidate the Republican party has put out in decades."

Though Barack Obama emerged victorious with 53 percent of the vote, he was unable to defeat the shadowy figure of dubious ethnic origin in a number of conservative states, including West Virginia, Alabama, and North Dakota. His opponent's strong showing in those states has led many to speculate that the controversial figure is poised for a return to the political stage.

"I don't think we've heard the last of Barack Hussein Obama," noted political strategist Karl Rove said. "I have a feeling he'll be back in 2012."

More from this section

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close