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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Barack Obama Defeats Barack Hussein Obama

WASHINGTON—In one of the most hotly contested and pivotal races in U.S. history, Democratic candidate Barack Obama emerged victorious on Nov. 4, beating out the one man who could have taken the presidency away from him, Barack Hussein Obama.

According to sources, the socialist Muslim radical, who had close ties to known terrorists, smoked crack cocaine in the back of a limousine, and was by all accounts the Antichrist himself, emerged out of nowhere in late 2007 to challenge the progressive junior Senator from Illinois. Though few had heard of the freedom-hating extremist before, Barack Hussein Obama quickly garnered attention in several key regions of the country, and saw his popularity buoyed by conservative talk-radio hosts, mass e-mail forwards, and thousands of Americans riding on the backs of flatbed trucks.

With a final push in the weeks leading up to the election, and fervent endorsements from Sen. John McCain, Gov. Sarah Palin, and Sean Hannity, many reportedly feared that Barack Hussein Obama would somehow manage to inch out Barack Obama on Election Day.

"It was a hard-fought campaign, and [Barack Hussein Obama] definitely gave it his all, but in the end he just didn't have enough credibility with the American people," said political analyst and NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams. "Still, he's probably the best candidate the Republican party has put out in decades."

Though Barack Obama emerged victorious with 53 percent of the vote, he was unable to defeat the shadowy figure of dubious ethnic origin in a number of conservative states, including West Virginia, Alabama, and North Dakota. His opponent's strong showing in those states has led many to speculate that the controversial figure is poised for a return to the political stage.

"I don't think we've heard the last of Barack Hussein Obama," noted political strategist Karl Rove said. "I have a feeling he'll be back in 2012."

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