adBlockCheck

Barber Just Latest In String Of Humans To Feign Interest In What Area Man Says

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Barber Just Latest In String Of Humans To Feign Interest In What Area Man Says

BLANCHESTER, OH—Sources confirmed Friday that the person currently cutting local man Russell Elko’s hair is merely the latest in a long line of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of human beings who over the course of the 30-year-old’s lifetime have pretended to be interested in what he says. “Really? Huh, I hadn’t realized that,” said the barber, absentmindedly nodding his head in much the same way Elko’s officemate, his most recent girlfriend, his second-grade teacher, the man who sold him coffee this morning, his primary-care physician, his childhood babysitter, and the OB-GYN who assisted in his birth have also done. “Well, I’m glad to hear it.” Reached for comment, Elko said the lack of interest makes sense, as he, too, is often completely bored with what he has to say.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close