adBlockCheck

Local

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Barber Just Latest In String Of Humans To Feign Interest In What Area Man Says

BLANCHESTER, OH—Sources confirmed Friday that the person currently cutting local man Russell Elko’s hair is merely the latest in a long line of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of human beings who over the course of the 30-year-old’s lifetime have pretended to be interested in what he says. “Really? Huh, I hadn’t realized that,” said the barber, absentmindedly nodding his head in much the same way Elko’s officemate, his most recent girlfriend, his second-grade teacher, the man who sold him coffee this morning, his primary-care physician, his childhood babysitter, and the OB-GYN who assisted in his birth have also done. “Well, I’m glad to hear it.” Reached for comment, Elko said the lack of interest makes sense, as he, too, is often completely bored with what he has to say.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close