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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Barber Just Latest In String Of Humans To Feign Interest In What Area Man Says

BLANCHESTER, OH—Sources confirmed Friday that the person currently cutting local man Russell Elko’s hair is merely the latest in a long line of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of human beings who over the course of the 30-year-old’s lifetime have pretended to be interested in what he says. “Really? Huh, I hadn’t realized that,” said the barber, absentmindedly nodding his head in much the same way Elko’s officemate, his most recent girlfriend, his second-grade teacher, the man who sold him coffee this morning, his primary-care physician, his childhood babysitter, and the OB-GYN who assisted in his birth have also done. “Well, I’m glad to hear it.” Reached for comment, Elko said the lack of interest makes sense, as he, too, is often completely bored with what he has to say.

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