Bargoer Starts To Hit Stride After Hitting On Fifth Girl

In This Section

Vol 40 Issue 32

Black Guy Doesn't Talk About All The Times He Didn't Get Discriminated Against

DETROIT, MI—Renald Boyd, 27, of course doesn't mention all the times he wasn't discriminated against, sources reported Tuesday. "I had the lease all set up through an agent," Boyd said. "But then, when I went in to sign it, the landlord suddenly started acting all weird and said he had to run out for a minute. We sat there for an hour before the agent got him on the phone, at which point the landlord said he was looking for a 'quieter type.' This country is insane." Boyd naturally failed to mention that the real-estate agent worked with him with no hesitation, and that the taxi he took away from the real-estate agency was only the second one that he'd attempted to hail.

Man Miscast In Role of Father

BECKLEY, WV—Critics, social workers, and peers agreed Monday that Michael Jans was horribly miscast as the father of 5-year-old Tyler Beecham. "Michael would be great playing the drunken buddy, or the deadbeat brother who can't hold down a job, but he's just not very believable as Daddy," ex-girlfriend Karen Beecham said. "I had hoped Michael would grow into the role, but I'm rethinking that idea. It's a very demanding part, and I need someone who can do it without a lot of direction." Beecham will begin re-casting the father role at Scooter's Pub on Thursday at 8 p.m.

Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Tree House

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Junior building inspector Thomas Spengler, 8, ordered the closure of a tree house owned by Jimmy Herman Monday. "The tree house will remain closed until improvements are made to its structure," Spengler said. "The rope ladder leading up to the house needs to be brought into compliance with local building codes. Also, the structural integrity of the clubhouse, wedged as it is into Old Man Kessler's oak tree, is compromised by the hastily added lookout post." Spengler threatened to close the tree house permanently should Herman fail to bring its tire swing up to code.

Things Are Starting To Turn Around

Hola, amigos. How's every little thing? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've barely had a chance to catch my breath these days. Ron hooked me up with a job at the carbonics plant where he works. For a while, I was the guy that cut blocks of dry ice. It was all right, but I didn't know Ron was gonna be my supervisor. I was able to put up with that for about two seconds before I stopped showing up. There's no way that mallethead is going to tell me what to do. He even wrote me up for being late.

Recreational Viagra Use

According to a recent study, recreational use of Viagra is on the rise among younger men who don't suffer from impotence. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Personal Finance

Customer Service

Bargoer Starts To Hit Stride After Hitting On Fifth Girl

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Brad Framik, a contract attorney at Russell Law Offices and self-described "player," announced Saturday that he was "starting to hit my stride" after unsuccessfully coming on to five women at the Red Rock nightclub.

Framik starts his evening at an even pace.

"My game wasn't focused during those first few rounds, but now I'm on a roll," Framik said. "If that tall chick's friends hadn't dragged her out, I would've had her for sure. See, it takes a while to work up to peak performance level."

Although he doesn't go out much during the week, Framik said he likes to "hit the clubs" every Friday and Saturday, usually with a group of five or more male friends also hoping to meet women.

"Then, on Sundays, we go golfing and compare our pussy-hunt scores," Framik said. "It's important to have fun and blow off steam on the weekend when you have such a demanding, high-paying job. It's a stress reliever, like yoga."

Framik's coworker Nick Gregivich usually joins the group.

"We may wear suits all day, but we know how to cut loose after hours," said Gregivich, 28."You should see Framik bust a move on the dance floor. It's like, 'Yow!'"

When asked about his dance technique, Framik elaborated.

"My signature move is to locate some chick I wouldn't mind breaking it off in," Framik said. "Then I sidle over to her section of the dance floor and circle like a shark, waiting for the right moment to strike. When she least expects it, I lock eyes with her and mouth the words 'I want you.'"

Shrugging, Framik added, "Hey, dude, chicks like silly stuff like that—sometimes it works."

When asked why he wasn't making a favorable impression at the beginning of the evening, Framik said he had "started out slow."

"I didn't do so well with the first five babes I approached, but a guy's gotta warm up," Framik said. "The love muscle is like any other muscle—you've got to stretch and loosen up first before you do the heavy lifting. That's why it makes sense to hit on three or four stuck-up chicks first, so you can play a couple practice rounds before the stakes are too high. You can't expect to hit that shit out of the park your first time at bat."

When pressed, Framik admitted to making some mistakes during the evening.

"Okay, I may have jumped the gun a little with that first chick," Framik said. "I never should've asked her to show me her thong so soon in the conversation. That's the weird thing about chicks. They always want to draw everything out longer than is necessary. I'm a take-charge, fast-paced guy, so it's hard for me to fake being patient."

Framik said the nature of the initial rejection made it more difficult for him to "find the pocket" in subsequent attempts at seduction.

"After she made that comment about me using sunless tanner, I got a little off-balance," Framik said. "She set me on edge, so I wasn't bringing my 'A' game for the next couple girls."

As Framik's unrequited attention-seeking continued, his friends watched his progress from across the bar. According to Framik, this added pressure may have caused him to blow his timing.

"I shouldn't have talked to that third chick while my friends were all watching me," Framik said. "Some girls find that sort of thing tacky. But by the fourth at-bat, I thought I'd ironed out the wrinkles."

Framik described his next failed come-on attempt.

"I was making major eye contact with this brunette in the booth next to ours, but she turned out to be this Iranian chick who didn't speak much English," Framik said. "She was dressed kind of slutty, so that fooled me. She was probably some kind of uptight religious Muslim who's not into getting boned. Usually, I can spot a religious nut from a mile off, but I had the beer goggles on."

After the fifth failed attempt, however, Framik finally felt himself "getting into the zone."

"Let's just say that I definitely got some digits by the end of the night," said Framik, who estimates that he made between 10 and 15 come-on attempts over the course of the two hours that followed. "I ended up with a pretty respectable success ratio."

While Framik described himself as a "master of the elusive female mind," a female coworker disagreed.

"Brad and his friends are always talking about how chicks dig this and chicks dig that," said Paula Mannheim, a fellow lawyer. "Listening to them talk, you'd think they've never had a conversation with an actual woman in their entire lives."

Asked for his reaction to Mannheim's comments, Framik became curious.

"Paula was talking about me?" Framik said. "The one with the nice body? Tell me everything she said, so I can read between the lines."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More