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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Bargoer Starts To Hit Stride After Hitting On Fifth Girl

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Brad Framik, a contract attorney at Russell Law Offices and self-described "player," announced Saturday that he was "starting to hit my stride" after unsuccessfully coming on to five women at the Red Rock nightclub.

Framik starts his evening at an even pace.

"My game wasn't focused during those first few rounds, but now I'm on a roll," Framik said. "If that tall chick's friends hadn't dragged her out, I would've had her for sure. See, it takes a while to work up to peak performance level."

Although he doesn't go out much during the week, Framik said he likes to "hit the clubs" every Friday and Saturday, usually with a group of five or more male friends also hoping to meet women.

"Then, on Sundays, we go golfing and compare our pussy-hunt scores," Framik said. "It's important to have fun and blow off steam on the weekend when you have such a demanding, high-paying job. It's a stress reliever, like yoga."

Framik's coworker Nick Gregivich usually joins the group.

"We may wear suits all day, but we know how to cut loose after hours," said Gregivich, 28."You should see Framik bust a move on the dance floor. It's like, 'Yow!'"

When asked about his dance technique, Framik elaborated.

"My signature move is to locate some chick I wouldn't mind breaking it off in," Framik said. "Then I sidle over to her section of the dance floor and circle like a shark, waiting for the right moment to strike. When she least expects it, I lock eyes with her and mouth the words 'I want you.'"

Shrugging, Framik added, "Hey, dude, chicks like silly stuff like that—sometimes it works."

When asked why he wasn't making a favorable impression at the beginning of the evening, Framik said he had "started out slow."

"I didn't do so well with the first five babes I approached, but a guy's gotta warm up," Framik said. "The love muscle is like any other muscle—you've got to stretch and loosen up first before you do the heavy lifting. That's why it makes sense to hit on three or four stuck-up chicks first, so you can play a couple practice rounds before the stakes are too high. You can't expect to hit that shit out of the park your first time at bat."

When pressed, Framik admitted to making some mistakes during the evening.

"Okay, I may have jumped the gun a little with that first chick," Framik said. "I never should've asked her to show me her thong so soon in the conversation. That's the weird thing about chicks. They always want to draw everything out longer than is necessary. I'm a take-charge, fast-paced guy, so it's hard for me to fake being patient."

Framik said the nature of the initial rejection made it more difficult for him to "find the pocket" in subsequent attempts at seduction.

"After she made that comment about me using sunless tanner, I got a little off-balance," Framik said. "She set me on edge, so I wasn't bringing my 'A' game for the next couple girls."

As Framik's unrequited attention-seeking continued, his friends watched his progress from across the bar. According to Framik, this added pressure may have caused him to blow his timing.

"I shouldn't have talked to that third chick while my friends were all watching me," Framik said. "Some girls find that sort of thing tacky. But by the fourth at-bat, I thought I'd ironed out the wrinkles."

Framik described his next failed come-on attempt.

"I was making major eye contact with this brunette in the booth next to ours, but she turned out to be this Iranian chick who didn't speak much English," Framik said. "She was dressed kind of slutty, so that fooled me. She was probably some kind of uptight religious Muslim who's not into getting boned. Usually, I can spot a religious nut from a mile off, but I had the beer goggles on."

After the fifth failed attempt, however, Framik finally felt himself "getting into the zone."

"Let's just say that I definitely got some digits by the end of the night," said Framik, who estimates that he made between 10 and 15 come-on attempts over the course of the two hours that followed. "I ended up with a pretty respectable success ratio."

While Framik described himself as a "master of the elusive female mind," a female coworker disagreed.

"Brad and his friends are always talking about how chicks dig this and chicks dig that," said Paula Mannheim, a fellow lawyer. "Listening to them talk, you'd think they've never had a conversation with an actual woman in their entire lives."

Asked for his reaction to Mannheim's comments, Framik became curious.

"Paula was talking about me?" Framik said. "The one with the nice body? Tell me everything she said, so I can read between the lines."

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