Bargoer Starts To Hit Stride After Hitting On Fifth Girl

Top Headlines

Local

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Sleep

Bargoer Starts To Hit Stride After Hitting On Fifth Girl

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Brad Framik, a contract attorney at Russell Law Offices and self-described "player," announced Saturday that he was "starting to hit my stride" after unsuccessfully coming on to five women at the Red Rock nightclub.

Framik starts his evening at an even pace.

"My game wasn't focused during those first few rounds, but now I'm on a roll," Framik said. "If that tall chick's friends hadn't dragged her out, I would've had her for sure. See, it takes a while to work up to peak performance level."

Although he doesn't go out much during the week, Framik said he likes to "hit the clubs" every Friday and Saturday, usually with a group of five or more male friends also hoping to meet women.

"Then, on Sundays, we go golfing and compare our pussy-hunt scores," Framik said. "It's important to have fun and blow off steam on the weekend when you have such a demanding, high-paying job. It's a stress reliever, like yoga."

Framik's coworker Nick Gregivich usually joins the group.

"We may wear suits all day, but we know how to cut loose after hours," said Gregivich, 28."You should see Framik bust a move on the dance floor. It's like, 'Yow!'"

When asked about his dance technique, Framik elaborated.

"My signature move is to locate some chick I wouldn't mind breaking it off in," Framik said. "Then I sidle over to her section of the dance floor and circle like a shark, waiting for the right moment to strike. When she least expects it, I lock eyes with her and mouth the words 'I want you.'"

Shrugging, Framik added, "Hey, dude, chicks like silly stuff like that—sometimes it works."

When asked why he wasn't making a favorable impression at the beginning of the evening, Framik said he had "started out slow."

"I didn't do so well with the first five babes I approached, but a guy's gotta warm up," Framik said. "The love muscle is like any other muscle—you've got to stretch and loosen up first before you do the heavy lifting. That's why it makes sense to hit on three or four stuck-up chicks first, so you can play a couple practice rounds before the stakes are too high. You can't expect to hit that shit out of the park your first time at bat."

When pressed, Framik admitted to making some mistakes during the evening.

"Okay, I may have jumped the gun a little with that first chick," Framik said. "I never should've asked her to show me her thong so soon in the conversation. That's the weird thing about chicks. They always want to draw everything out longer than is necessary. I'm a take-charge, fast-paced guy, so it's hard for me to fake being patient."

Framik said the nature of the initial rejection made it more difficult for him to "find the pocket" in subsequent attempts at seduction.

"After she made that comment about me using sunless tanner, I got a little off-balance," Framik said. "She set me on edge, so I wasn't bringing my 'A' game for the next couple girls."

As Framik's unrequited attention-seeking continued, his friends watched his progress from across the bar. According to Framik, this added pressure may have caused him to blow his timing.

"I shouldn't have talked to that third chick while my friends were all watching me," Framik said. "Some girls find that sort of thing tacky. But by the fourth at-bat, I thought I'd ironed out the wrinkles."

Framik described his next failed come-on attempt.

"I was making major eye contact with this brunette in the booth next to ours, but she turned out to be this Iranian chick who didn't speak much English," Framik said. "She was dressed kind of slutty, so that fooled me. She was probably some kind of uptight religious Muslim who's not into getting boned. Usually, I can spot a religious nut from a mile off, but I had the beer goggles on."

After the fifth failed attempt, however, Framik finally felt himself "getting into the zone."

"Let's just say that I definitely got some digits by the end of the night," said Framik, who estimates that he made between 10 and 15 come-on attempts over the course of the two hours that followed. "I ended up with a pretty respectable success ratio."

While Framik described himself as a "master of the elusive female mind," a female coworker disagreed.

"Brad and his friends are always talking about how chicks dig this and chicks dig that," said Paula Mannheim, a fellow lawyer. "Listening to them talk, you'd think they've never had a conversation with an actual woman in their entire lives."

Asked for his reaction to Mannheim's comments, Framik became curious.

"Paula was talking about me?" Framik said. "The one with the nice body? Tell me everything she said, so I can read between the lines."