Residents of Pennington, IL report that hot shit Jeff Statsky has returned home with his tail between his legs.
SAN FRANCISCO—Giants slugger Barry Bonds, who recently announced that he might retire after the 2006 season, reconsidered that decision Wednesday, saying there are still a lot of things in the sport that he hasn't yet had the chance to ruin. "Most guys my age would be perfectly happy to retire having sullied the single-season home-run record, but I still have so much left to cheapen—the career home-run title, the 56-game hit streak, the on-base-percentage record, and so on," Bonds wrote in a post on his website. "Sure, the fans revile me now, but the only way to ensure they will still hate me when I'm dead and gone is by systematically destroying and dishonoring every record that they hold dear, even if it means playing until I'm 59 and becoming the oldest person ever to play the sport. When my kids look at the record books years from now, I want them to see their daddy's name at the top of every category, right next to an asterisk." Bonds added, however, that he would trade in all of those records for just one personal world championship that he didn't have to share with any teammates or organization.