Barry Bonds: 'I Won't Retire Until I've Tarnished Every Record In The Book'

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Barry Bonds: 'I Won't Retire Until I've Tarnished Every Record In The Book'

SAN FRANCISCO—Giants slugger Barry Bonds, who recently announced that he might retire after the 2006 season, reconsidered that decision Wednesday, saying there are still a lot of things in the sport that he hasn't yet had the chance to ruin. "Most guys my age would be perfectly happy to retire having sullied the single-season home-run record, but I still have so much left to cheapen—the career home-run title, the 56-game hit streak, the on-base-percentage record, and so on," Bonds wrote in a post on his website. "Sure, the fans revile me now, but the only way to ensure they will still hate me when I'm dead and gone is by systematically destroying and dishonoring every record that they hold dear, even if it means playing until I'm 59 and becoming the oldest person ever to play the sport. When my kids look at the record books years from now, I want them to see their daddy's name at the top of every category, right next to an asterisk." Bonds added, however, that he would trade in all of those records for just one personal world championship that he didn't have to share with any teammates or organization.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close