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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Barry Bonds: 'I Won't Retire Until I've Tarnished Every Record In The Book'

SAN FRANCISCO—Giants slugger Barry Bonds, who recently announced that he might retire after the 2006 season, reconsidered that decision Wednesday, saying there are still a lot of things in the sport that he hasn't yet had the chance to ruin. "Most guys my age would be perfectly happy to retire having sullied the single-season home-run record, but I still have so much left to cheapen—the career home-run title, the 56-game hit streak, the on-base-percentage record, and so on," Bonds wrote in a post on his website. "Sure, the fans revile me now, but the only way to ensure they will still hate me when I'm dead and gone is by systematically destroying and dishonoring every record that they hold dear, even if it means playing until I'm 59 and becoming the oldest person ever to play the sport. When my kids look at the record books years from now, I want them to see their daddy's name at the top of every category, right next to an asterisk." Bonds added, however, that he would trade in all of those records for just one personal world championship that he didn't have to share with any teammates or organization.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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