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Barry Bonds In Stands Ruins World Series For Everyone

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Barry Bonds In Stands Ruins World Series For Everyone

SAN FRANCISCO—Players, officials, announcers, and spectators agreed that the 2010 World Series was completely ruined after Barry Bonds was spotted sitting in the stands of AT&T Park Wednesday night. "I was overjoyed to be at the ballpark, sitting with my son and watching my favorite team compete in the World Series," lifetime Giants fan Dale Norgren told reporters. "But then I saw that jerk and it just soured the whole night. I couldn't even enjoy my hot dog once I knew Barry Bonds was sitting just 50 feet from me. Fuck." When told the Giants had won Game 1, Norgren said that he no longer cared and that he had given his son's baseball glove to a panhandler.

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