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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Barry Zito Demands Trade To World Without War

OAKLAND, CA—With the A's exploring the possibility of moving their soon-to-be free-agent pitcher Barry Zito, and with everything around him only getting more violent and chaotic with each passing day, the introspective southpaw demanded Tuesday that he be traded to a world unaffected by "the ravages humanity has brought upon itself." "My client is seeking a fresh start for himself and/or mankind, as he can no longer enjoy pitching in a universe where people are suffering, starving—even dying—all around him," Zito's agent Arn Tellem said. "Barry informs me that the only viable solution to both senseless worldwide bloodshed and the problem with his pitching mechanics is simply to live every day with love." Zito has reportedly said that, if he absolutely must remain on this Earth, he demands a trade through the halls of time itself, as he has narrowed down his list of potential trade destinations to the 1924 Chicago Cubs, the 1969 Baltimore Orioles, and the present-day Yankees.

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