Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.
OAKLAND, CA—With the A's exploring the possibility of moving their soon-to-be free-agent pitcher Barry Zito, and with everything around him only getting more violent and chaotic with each passing day, the introspective southpaw demanded Tuesday that he be traded to a world unaffected by "the ravages humanity has brought upon itself." "My client is seeking a fresh start for himself and/or mankind, as he can no longer enjoy pitching in a universe where people are suffering, starving—even dying—all around him," Zito's agent Arn Tellem said. "Barry informs me that the only viable solution to both senseless worldwide bloodshed and the problem with his pitching mechanics is simply to live every day with love." Zito has reportedly said that, if he absolutely must remain on this Earth, he demands a trade through the halls of time itself, as he has narrowed down his list of potential trade destinations to the 1924 Chicago Cubs, the 1969 Baltimore Orioles, and the present-day Yankees.