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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Barry Zito: 'My Dad Says I Shouldn't Throw Curveballs Anymore'

SAN FRANCISCO—In an interview concerning his upcoming start against the Nationals, San Francisco Giants ace Barry Zito announced that he would no longer be throwing curveballs in either practices or game situations due to pressure from his father, Joe. "Dad says it could really mess up my arm for good if I throw too many curveballs," said the visibly embarrassed Zito, whose trademark curve has been a key to the success that saw him sign a seven-year, $126 million contract this past offseason. "Dad also says I shouldn't be pitching so much and that I should have a pitch count of, like, 75 pitches. Plus Coach [Giants manager Bruce] Bochy is always using me for both ends of a double-header and then in relief the next day, and that makes my arm hurt." When asked for comment, a disgruntled Bochy wondered if Zito's arm would be less sore if he wasn't also playing shortstop for his traveling high school team.

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