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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Barry Zito Throws One-Hit Bullpen Session

SAN FRANCISCO—Struggling Giants pitcher Barry Zito (4.54 ERA), who had shown some progress in his previous two bullpen sessions, gave up a hit on his 14th warm up pitch prior to his start last Tuesday. "You always go in there wanting to bring your best stuff, but sometimes you just don't have it," said Zito in a post-bullpen, pre-game press conference. "I kind of left one hanging there towards the end, and [pitching] Coach [Dave Righetti] got a hold of it." The hit brings Zito's career WHBSP, or Walks and Hits per Bullpen Session Pitched, to a dismal 6.91.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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