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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Bartender Developing A Remarkable Tolerance For Alcoholics

MADISON, NJ—Chris Becker, bartender at the Silver Nickel tavern, said he was growing increasingly worried about his growing tolerance for alcoholics. "A little used to go a long way, you know? I could last all night on one long, drawn-out tale of self pity, with maybe a brawl between two patrons as a nightcap," said Becker, who has been taking in at least four alcoholics a night since getting his license in 1996. "But lately, it's been taking nine, 10, sometimes 15 of them to make me feel anything at all." Alcoholism tolerance has long been recognized as a problem in the hospitality industry, and experts warn it can lead to bartenders developing unhealthy tolerances for smokers, drug users, and sex addicts.

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