adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bartender Developing A Remarkable Tolerance For Alcoholics

MADISON, NJ—Chris Becker, bartender at the Silver Nickel tavern, said he was growing increasingly worried about his growing tolerance for alcoholics. "A little used to go a long way, you know? I could last all night on one long, drawn-out tale of self pity, with maybe a brawl between two patrons as a nightcap," said Becker, who has been taking in at least four alcoholics a night since getting his license in 1996. "But lately, it's been taking nine, 10, sometimes 15 of them to make me feel anything at all." Alcoholism tolerance has long been recognized as a problem in the hospitality industry, and experts warn it can lead to bartenders developing unhealthy tolerances for smokers, drug users, and sex addicts.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close