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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Base Runners Agree Albert Pujols Most Awkward First Baseman To Talk To

ST. LOUIS—A recent survey conducted by the Elias Sports Bureau shows that 98 percent of all National League base runners agree that Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols is the "weirdest" and "most uncomfortable" first baseman to talk to. "There's nothing more painful than getting a leadoff single when that guy's covering first," said Houston Astros centerfielder Michael Bourn, noting that Pujols' palms are always noticeably sweaty whenever they shake hands. "The guy never looks you in the eye, and he never has anything good to talk about. Sometimes it's so uncomfortable when neither of you talk for like eight or nine pitches that even though you know you're gonna get caught, you just go for the steal to get the hell out of there." The same survey implicates that the Chicago Cubs have given up the fewest doubles in the league, which may be due to the fact that players rarely leave first base in order to spend as much time as possible with Derrek Lee.

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