Baseball Experts: Roger Clemens Too Old For Steroids

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Vol 48 Issue 39

The Science Of Sex

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Scientists take an up-close look at what attracts us to each other and why, using clinical words for stuff like “cock” and “fucking.”

Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person

BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the prospects of a talented 18-year-old who had aspired his whole life to be a living person. Those clo...

Voting Begins In Iowa

More than a month before Election Day, residents of key swing state Iowa began casting their ballots at designated polling locations yesterday as part of the state’s early voting process.

Robot Butler

Fox 9:30 p.m. EDT/8:30 p.m. CDT A drink order does not compute, so Robot Butler murders everyone.
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Baseball Experts: Roger Clemens Too Old For Steroids

SUGAR LAND, TX—Claiming the 50-year-old former star was past his prime, the nation’s baseball experts announced Tuesday that pitcher Roger Clemens was too old to make a comeback to steroids.“It’s admirable he’s trying to get back to what made him great, but shooting up at 50 can’t possibly compare to what guys half his age are getting from steroids” said Fox Sports baseball writer Ken Rosenthal, adding that many of the best young steroid users have been injecting HGH since middle school. “He may be one of the greatest dopers of all time, but he’s been away too long and knows nothing about the steroids of today.” Clemens vowed to prove the doubters wrong, insisting that he could still take performance enhancing drugs at a high-level.

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