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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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Baseball Fans Call For More Goofy-As-Shit Batting Stances

WASHINGTON—Citing past players like Jeff Bagwell and Kevin Youkilis as perfect examples, baseball fans across the country unanimously called for more goofy-as-shit batting stances in Major League Baseball, sources confirmed Thursday. “There used to be all these guys who would squat down like frogs or extend their arms vertically and wave the bat way above their head in little circles, and call me old-fashioned, but you don’t see enough batters these days where you just ask yourself, ‘Why the fuck is he standing like that?’” said 35-year-old Daniel Monroe, adding that, ideally, a far higher number of players would turn their shoulders toward the plate while keeping their front foot in the far corner of the batting box, only to bring it back in right before swinging. “Ichiro’s stance is definitely weird as shit, but most of the younger players out there just have a boring square or closed stance and hold the bat at a normal height. I want to see more batters standing at the plate looking like complete fucking idiots before they take a cut.” Reports also confirmed that a majority of Americans wouldn’t mind seeing more pitchers with inexplicable, insanely convoluted windups just like Tim Lincecum.

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