adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Baseball Fans Call For More Goofy-As-Shit Batting Stances

WASHINGTON—Citing past players like Jeff Bagwell and Kevin Youkilis as perfect examples, baseball fans across the country unanimously called for more goofy-as-shit batting stances in Major League Baseball, sources confirmed Thursday. “There used to be all these guys who would squat down like frogs or extend their arms vertically and wave the bat way above their head in little circles, and call me old-fashioned, but you don’t see enough batters these days where you just ask yourself, ‘Why the fuck is he standing like that?’” said 35-year-old Daniel Monroe, adding that, ideally, a far higher number of players would turn their shoulders toward the plate while keeping their front foot in the far corner of the batting box, only to bring it back in right before swinging. “Ichiro’s stance is definitely weird as shit, but most of the younger players out there just have a boring square or closed stance and hold the bat at a normal height. I want to see more batters standing at the plate looking like complete fucking idiots before they take a cut.” Reports also confirmed that a majority of Americans wouldn’t mind seeing more pitchers with inexplicable, insanely convoluted windups just like Tim Lincecum.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close