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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Baseball Fans Call For More Goofy-As-Shit Batting Stances

WASHINGTON—Citing past players like Jeff Bagwell and Kevin Youkilis as perfect examples, baseball fans across the country unanimously called for more goofy-as-shit batting stances in Major League Baseball, sources confirmed Thursday. “There used to be all these guys who would squat down like frogs or extend their arms vertically and wave the bat way above their head in little circles, and call me old-fashioned, but you don’t see enough batters these days where you just ask yourself, ‘Why the fuck is he standing like that?’” said 35-year-old Daniel Monroe, adding that, ideally, a far higher number of players would turn their shoulders toward the plate while keeping their front foot in the far corner of the batting box, only to bring it back in right before swinging. “Ichiro’s stance is definitely weird as shit, but most of the younger players out there just have a boring square or closed stance and hold the bat at a normal height. I want to see more batters standing at the plate looking like complete fucking idiots before they take a cut.” Reports also confirmed that a majority of Americans wouldn’t mind seeing more pitchers with inexplicable, insanely convoluted windups just like Tim Lincecum.

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