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Baseball Fans Call For More Goofy-As-Shit Batting Stances

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Baseball Fans Call For More Goofy-As-Shit Batting Stances

WASHINGTON—Citing past players like Jeff Bagwell and Kevin Youkilis as perfect examples, baseball fans across the country unanimously called for more goofy-as-shit batting stances in Major League Baseball, sources confirmed Thursday. “There used to be all these guys who would squat down like frogs or extend their arms vertically and wave the bat way above their head in little circles, and call me old-fashioned, but you don’t see enough batters these days where you just ask yourself, ‘Why the fuck is he standing like that?’” said 35-year-old Daniel Monroe, adding that, ideally, a far higher number of players would turn their shoulders toward the plate while keeping their front foot in the far corner of the batting box, only to bring it back in right before swinging. “Ichiro’s stance is definitely weird as shit, but most of the younger players out there just have a boring square or closed stance and hold the bat at a normal height. I want to see more batters standing at the plate looking like complete fucking idiots before they take a cut.” Reports also confirmed that a majority of Americans wouldn’t mind seeing more pitchers with inexplicable, insanely convoluted windups just like Tim Lincecum.

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