Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Baseball Fans Delighted By New Between-Innings Fuck-Cams

WASHINGTON—Attendance may be down, but the fans at last week's game didn't care—they were too busy enjoying the stadium's new Fuck-Cam.

"We've been really surprised and delighted by the crowd reaction," said Washington Nationals public relations director Janine Perry, who started the Fuck-Cam program that has since been emulated by every other ballpark in the major leagues, except Miller Park in Milwaukee. "Apparently, people who like watching baseball games also really enjoy watching other people have sex. And not just between innings, either. If the action on the screen is still going when the play on the field resumes, they'll still watch. The Fuck-Cam has been quite a phenomenon."

Major League Baseball estimates that more than 700 people have had been featured on the Fuck-Cam since its introduction. The first Fuck-Cam couple, Gary Kochalk and Kim Dahle, have been guests on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. And a montage of legendary Fuck-Cam performances is one of the most viewed clips on YouTube, featuring such great Fuck-Cam moments as the man who hasn't realized his partner has fallen asleep; a would-be suitor who goes down on one knee, produces a ring, and is flatly denied; an overweight couple who is booed off the JumboTron by the crowd; and a good-natured if somewhat clumsy performance by the Fox Sports broadcast team of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

"It's at the point where some people come to the ballpark with the idea of getting themselves on the Fuck-Cam," Perry said. "They dress up for it, wave signs, even start fucking with two outs at the bottom of an inning in the hope they'll get noticed, the whole thing. The buzz has been awesome. Of course, we'd rather people come to see our beloved Nats, but our attitude is, if people having sex in the seats gets people to come to the park, it's good for baseball."

Perry refuses to take credit for the concept, although she did make it official by adding the subtitles and frames now associated with JumboTron displays of crowd sex. Instead, she credits the Washington fans themselves—"the greatest and most sexual fans in the world," she said gratefully—with the spontaneous invention of the Fuck-Cam.

"The Nats were getting blown out by the Dodgers in an early May game, and the camera guy went to the kiss-cam early and often," Perry said. "Well, he lingered a while on the same couple, and they just got into the spirit of the thing and started fucking like you wouldn't believe. It was great, but I really didn't think much about it until the next morning when someone told me it had been mentioned in the news, and later that day it was No. 3 on SportsCenter's Top 10 Plays."

By June, Fuck-Cams were in use at Baltimore's Camden Yards, Detroit's Comerica Park, Yankee Stadium, and countless other major- and minor-league ballparks. The promotion has been a hit at every stadium in which it has been introduced, although the process has not always been smooth.

"You want to be careful," said Wrigley Field cameraman Greg Somerset, who noted that he "gets" an average of four couples a night on his Fuck-Cam. "Sometimes you can have good luck with a guy and a girl who are just sitting next to each other, but other times it doesn't work at all. A couple who's fighting may or may not have great makeup sex while you're watching. Getting two guys on the Fuck-Cam, well, it may work or it may not, and the crowd may or may not like it. The time with two guys and a girl, that was a mixed reaction."

"Also, I just want to forget about souvenir bat night," Somerset added. "You just can't tell with some people."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close