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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Baseball Fans Excited For All-Star Game, Theoretically

MINNEAPOLIS—As the best players in baseball prepare to go head-to-head at Target Field, millions of fans across the nation expressed their excitement for Tuesday evening’s MLB All-Star Game, theoretically speaking. “The most talented and popular players from the American and National Leagues will be on the same field for a single star-studded matchup, so this is a game that everybody looks forward to every year, you would think,” 29-year-old Baltimore Orioles fan Brandon Capps told reporters, noting that the opportunity to watch the game’s very best pitchers, hitters, and fielders vie for home-field advantage in the World Series is one that—at least on paper—makes the Midsummer Classic the premier event of the season. “Just imagine: Clayton Kershaw takes the hill and sends a sizzling 98-mile-per-hour four-seamer to Mike Trout, who launches the ball to center field, where Andrew McCutchen snags it just before it goes over the wall and fires it back in time to catch Robinson Cano before he crosses home plate. In the purest of hypothetical terms, it’s a can’t-miss game.” Capps added that, following the conclusion of the All-Star break, there is nothing more thrilling than watching the second half of the regular season, where one could conceivably argue that every single game is incredibly crucial.

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