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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Baseball Fans Excited For All-Star Matchup Between Best Available Non-Injured Players Willing To Play In Game

PHOENIX—Baseball fans across the country have registered their excitement for Tuesday night’s MLB All-Star game, saying they can’t wait to watch the league’s annual showcase of its best players who aren’t injured, aren’t afraid of potentially getting injured, aren’t too tired, are free the night of July 12, didn’t pitch recently, aren’t scheduled to pitch next week, don’t mind making the trip to Arizona, and are actually willing to play two and a half innings of baseball. “I love the All-Star game—seeing all those guys who sort of want to be there, don't really deserve to be, and haven't reached a point in their careers where they are confident enough to flat-out reject what fans want, all together on the same diamond,” said local Diamondbacks fan Neil Shernoff, adding that he was most thrilled to see whoever was replacing Placido Polanco. “Sure, Jose Reyes, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Shane Victorino, Ryan Braun, Justin Verlander, Felix Hernandez, Jon Lester, CC Sabathia, David Price, Mariano Rivera, Cole Hamels, and Matt Cain may not take the field, but there are some other guys here, and they’re going to play a game of baseball.” Both managers said they’d be utilizing their entire rosters once they learned who their players are and what positions they play.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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