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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Baseball Fans Excited For All-Star Matchup Between Best Available Non-Injured Players Willing To Play In Game

PHOENIX—Baseball fans across the country have registered their excitement for Tuesday night’s MLB All-Star game, saying they can’t wait to watch the league’s annual showcase of its best players who aren’t injured, aren’t afraid of potentially getting injured, aren’t too tired, are free the night of July 12, didn’t pitch recently, aren’t scheduled to pitch next week, don’t mind making the trip to Arizona, and are actually willing to play two and a half innings of baseball. “I love the All-Star game—seeing all those guys who sort of want to be there, don't really deserve to be, and haven't reached a point in their careers where they are confident enough to flat-out reject what fans want, all together on the same diamond,” said local Diamondbacks fan Neil Shernoff, adding that he was most thrilled to see whoever was replacing Placido Polanco. “Sure, Jose Reyes, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Shane Victorino, Ryan Braun, Justin Verlander, Felix Hernandez, Jon Lester, CC Sabathia, David Price, Mariano Rivera, Cole Hamels, and Matt Cain may not take the field, but there are some other guys here, and they’re going to play a game of baseball.” Both managers said they’d be utilizing their entire rosters once they learned who their players are and what positions they play.

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