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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Baseball Fans Excited For All-Star Matchup Between Best Available Non-Injured Players Willing To Play In Game

PHOENIX—Baseball fans across the country have registered their excitement for Tuesday night’s MLB All-Star game, saying they can’t wait to watch the league’s annual showcase of its best players who aren’t injured, aren’t afraid of potentially getting injured, aren’t too tired, are free the night of July 12, didn’t pitch recently, aren’t scheduled to pitch next week, don’t mind making the trip to Arizona, and are actually willing to play two and a half innings of baseball. “I love the All-Star game—seeing all those guys who sort of want to be there, don't really deserve to be, and haven't reached a point in their careers where they are confident enough to flat-out reject what fans want, all together on the same diamond,” said local Diamondbacks fan Neil Shernoff, adding that he was most thrilled to see whoever was replacing Placido Polanco. “Sure, Jose Reyes, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Shane Victorino, Ryan Braun, Justin Verlander, Felix Hernandez, Jon Lester, CC Sabathia, David Price, Mariano Rivera, Cole Hamels, and Matt Cain may not take the field, but there are some other guys here, and they’re going to play a game of baseball.” Both managers said they’d be utilizing their entire rosters once they learned who their players are and what positions they play.

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