Baseball Hall Of Fame Getting Depraved Urge To Induct Jose Canseco

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Vol 48 Issue 44

Natalie Blasi

After realizing no one else was going to step up, Natalie Blasi assumed the role of the person who lets everyone in the post office line know how long they’ve all been waiting.
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Baseball Hall Of Fame Getting Depraved Urge To Induct Jose Canseco

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Despite being an emblematic figure of the darkest era in the sport’s history and an insufferable human being, Jose Canseco was under serious consideration this week for induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame, simply for the perverse thrill of bestowing the honor, sources confirmed Thursday. “Can you imagine the look on everyone’s face if we announced that? Fucking priceless,” Baseball Writers Association of America vice president Susan Slusser reportedly told colleagues at a recent meeting, before suggesting the removal of Lou Gehrig from the Hall to make room for an extra-large plaque befitting Canseco’s steroid-fueled frame. “Sure, he cheated by taking performance-enhancing drugs, but he hit 462 home runs and had 1,407 RBIs. Hell, we might as well put [Roger] Clemens and [Barry] Bonds in there too. There’s a fucking Hall of Fame class for you.” According to BBWAA members, the only thing holding them back from inducting Canseco was the prospect of spending an hour in the same room with the man, and living with themselves for decades to come.

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