adBlockCheck

Baseball Hall Of Fame Getting Depraved Urge To Induct Jose Canseco

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Baseball Hall Of Fame Getting Depraved Urge To Induct Jose Canseco

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Despite being an emblematic figure of the darkest era in the sport’s history and an insufferable human being, Jose Canseco was under serious consideration this week for induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame, simply for the perverse thrill of bestowing the honor, sources confirmed Thursday. “Can you imagine the look on everyone’s face if we announced that? Fucking priceless,” Baseball Writers Association of America vice president Susan Slusser reportedly told colleagues at a recent meeting, before suggesting the removal of Lou Gehrig from the Hall to make room for an extra-large plaque befitting Canseco’s steroid-fueled frame. “Sure, he cheated by taking performance-enhancing drugs, but he hit 462 home runs and had 1,407 RBIs. Hell, we might as well put [Roger] Clemens and [Barry] Bonds in there too. There’s a fucking Hall of Fame class for you.” According to BBWAA members, the only thing holding them back from inducting Canseco was the prospect of spending an hour in the same room with the man, and living with themselves for decades to come.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close