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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Baseball Hall Of Fame Getting Depraved Urge To Induct Jose Canseco

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Despite being an emblematic figure of the darkest era in the sport’s history and an insufferable human being, Jose Canseco was under serious consideration this week for induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame, simply for the perverse thrill of bestowing the honor, sources confirmed Thursday. “Can you imagine the look on everyone’s face if we announced that? Fucking priceless,” Baseball Writers Association of America vice president Susan Slusser reportedly told colleagues at a recent meeting, before suggesting the removal of Lou Gehrig from the Hall to make room for an extra-large plaque befitting Canseco’s steroid-fueled frame. “Sure, he cheated by taking performance-enhancing drugs, but he hit 462 home runs and had 1,407 RBIs. Hell, we might as well put [Roger] Clemens and [Barry] Bonds in there too. There’s a fucking Hall of Fame class for you.” According to BBWAA members, the only thing holding them back from inducting Canseco was the prospect of spending an hour in the same room with the man, and living with themselves for decades to come.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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