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Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms

NEW YORK—In response to evidence an increasing number of former players are showing what doctors say can only be described as "Jose Canseco–like symptoms," the MLB announced Friday it was launching an investigation into whether lingering neurological effects of playing baseball are causing the erratic behavior. "When you hear about a player who exhibit signs of challenging 8-foot-tall men to boxing matches in Japan or bickering with his tiny porn-star girlfriend on Twitter, you assume it’s an isolated condition. Namely, isolated to Jose Canseco," said MLB official Carson Pettus, who has been tasked with investigating reports other former players may be bottling their own lines of antiaging energy drinks in unhealthy delusions of business acumen. "Major League Baseball is aware of the psychological grind of 162-game schedules and plans to take careful precautions with our players when they show early signs of Jose Canseco." Sources said the MLB was jolted into action last week when reality-show cameras were seen following around a very tan, mascara-wearing Cal Ripken, Jr. as he hustled 7-year-olds at Baltimore-area T-ball practices.

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