adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms

NEW YORK—In response to evidence an increasing number of former players are showing what doctors say can only be described as "Jose Canseco–like symptoms," the MLB announced Friday it was launching an investigation into whether lingering neurological effects of playing baseball are causing the erratic behavior. "When you hear about a player who exhibit signs of challenging 8-foot-tall men to boxing matches in Japan or bickering with his tiny porn-star girlfriend on Twitter, you assume it’s an isolated condition. Namely, isolated to Jose Canseco," said MLB official Carson Pettus, who has been tasked with investigating reports other former players may be bottling their own lines of antiaging energy drinks in unhealthy delusions of business acumen. "Major League Baseball is aware of the psychological grind of 162-game schedules and plans to take careful precautions with our players when they show early signs of Jose Canseco." Sources said the MLB was jolted into action last week when reality-show cameras were seen following around a very tan, mascara-wearing Cal Ripken, Jr. as he hustled 7-year-olds at Baltimore-area T-ball practices.

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close