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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Baseball Officials Concerned As More And More Retired Players Begin To Show Jose Canseco–Like Symptoms

NEW YORK—In response to evidence an increasing number of former players are showing what doctors say can only be described as "Jose Canseco–like symptoms," the MLB announced Friday it was launching an investigation into whether lingering neurological effects of playing baseball are causing the erratic behavior. "When you hear about a player who exhibit signs of challenging 8-foot-tall men to boxing matches in Japan or bickering with his tiny porn-star girlfriend on Twitter, you assume it’s an isolated condition. Namely, isolated to Jose Canseco," said MLB official Carson Pettus, who has been tasked with investigating reports other former players may be bottling their own lines of antiaging energy drinks in unhealthy delusions of business acumen. "Major League Baseball is aware of the psychological grind of 162-game schedules and plans to take careful precautions with our players when they show early signs of Jose Canseco." Sources said the MLB was jolted into action last week when reality-show cameras were seen following around a very tan, mascara-wearing Cal Ripken, Jr. as he hustled 7-year-olds at Baltimore-area T-ball practices.

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