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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Baserunner Caught In Rundown Bites Cyanide Capsule To Avoid Falling Into Enemy Hands

SEATTLE—In order to avoid capture by the visiting Minnesota Twins Thursday, Mariners center fielder Franklin Gutierrez bit down on his team-issued cyanide capsule during a run down between second and third base. "When you're surrounded by defenders on both sides with no escape in sight, team protocol is to self-terminate," said Mariners third base coach Jeff Datz, adding that running outside the baseline is never an option. "Frankie conducted himself bravely. He attempted to advance to the far base, turned back to see if the near base was attainable, assessed the situation, and realized he was out of options. That's when I smelled the bitter almonds and I knew he was gone.” When asked what information Gutierrez possessed that made suicide his only option, Datz chuckled humorlessly and lit a cigarette, saying, "There's a lot you don't know about the Seattle Mariners."

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