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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Bashar Al-Assad Tries Tiny Bit Of Sarin Gas On Self To See What It’s Like

DAMASCUS—Citing the ongoing international debate over his alleged use of chemical weapons, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad reportedly subjected himself to a small dosage of sarin gas Sunday “just to see what it feels like.” “I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try a tiny little bit—but holy shit, was I wrong,” said Assad, who gingerly inhaled from a tube containing the lethal nerve agent and then proceeded to vomit into a nearby sink; experience severe eye pain, confusion, and partial paralysis; and then briefly lose consciousness. “I must’ve sniffed that stuff for, like, three seconds tops, but any more and I probably would have lost control of my entire central nervous system. I mean, can you imagine what a high dose of sarin would do to someone? Especially a child? Jesus.” Assad then abruptly told reporters he needed to end the interview before collapsing to the ground and convulsing uncontrollably.

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