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Bashful Terrorists Won't Take Credit For Attack

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Bashful Terrorists Won't Take Credit For Attack

SANA'A, YEMEN—In a videotaped statement that aired on Al Jazeera Monday, al-Aziz, the terrorist group responsible for the bombing of a U.S. Navy refueling depot, was reluctant to take credit for the attack. "While we condemn America the Great Satan and wish them death and shame, I am afraid we cannot take credit for... Aw, who told you?" Hassan al-Fayed said. "This is about bringing death to the American Crusaders, not about us. Many martyrs worked to make this happen, and they deserve the real credit." Al-Fayed did not issue any further threats, saying he did not want to call attention to a few little truck bombings.

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