adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Basketball Coach Sees Something In 7’3” High School Sophomore

CHICAGO—Explaining that he can sometimes spot raw talent just by looking at someone, Kelvyn Park High School basketball coach Keith Burris told reporters Thursday that he sees something in 7’3” sophomore Adrian Patton. “I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s definitely something special about that kid,” said Burris, who added that where others might see another random 7’3” teenager, he sees a basketball player with a lot of potential. “I think there’s a spark in him, and I think he could help us. We’ll try him out as a shooter, but I actually have a hunch the low post is where he’s going to shine.” Upon being invited to try out for the team in the fall, Patton reportedly told Burris that he can’t participate in sports due to severe arthritis.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close