adBlockCheck

Basketball Rolls To Stop At Cheney's Foot

Top Headlines

Politics

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Basketball Rolls To Stop At Cheney's Foot

NEW YORK—Mere seconds after a hotly contested rebound during a game between the vice president's biggest on-court rivals, a mishandled basketball rolled across the blacktop of "the Cage"—New York's infamously tough West Fourth Street courts—before being brought to a stop by the wing-tipped foot of Dick Cheney. Witnesses at the scene, whose gazes drifted slowly upward from the loose ball to Cheney's determined face, said they observed the vice president set his unblinking eyes on the assembled players, pause in the sudden silence, and utter the challenge, "Let's do this."

The vice president prepares to bring it.

In the heavy stillness brought on by his challenge, Cheney sized up the assembly of players. The collection of local court legends reportedly ranged from hard-grinding seven-footers to tricky, loose-limbed ball handlers, all of whom instantly recognized Cheney from their last meeting: an all-out clash of the titans in late March that ended prematurely when the vice president suffered severe heart palpitations and was shamefully laughed off the court.

It is not known whether the vice president, as he stood on the edge of the court, composed an internal, possibly sound-tracked montage of scenes from the endless hours of training that had brought him back to the Cage. Some experts have said that, even months later, it is likely his opponents' taunts of "How's that pacemaker, old man?" "Too slow!" and "No. 2 in the executive branch, No. 2 on the court!" still rang in his ears.

As Cheney remained utterly still, apparently evaluating the scene without reaction or emotion, a sudden gleam of sunlight, which some in attendance claimed was accompanied by a keening high note, reflected from the rim of his trademark glasses.

[slideshow:84806:left]

Eyewitnesses also said Cheney's nostrils may have flared almost imperceptibly at this time.

Having thoroughly gauged the skill of his opposition, and displaying no evidence of his opinion thereof, Cheney shifted his eyes to the expectant crowd of roughly 300 people, every one of them also motionless and silent. But the former defense secretary remained impassive, moving neither his head nor his facial muscles and reacting in no way whatsoever to the mounting tension, the gathering electricity in the air, or the general feeling that those assembled were about to witness a watershed, possibly life-affirming display of tenacity and heart.

Adding to the tension was the unspoken understanding between the athletes that if Cheney proved triumphant, and managed to somehow outmaneuver his younger, faster rivals, he would win back control of the beloved city landmark he played on as a boy, and could finally have the entire park bulldozed.

Although almost no time has passed since Cheney's foot came in contact with the basketball, details of the developing scene continue to pour in: A drop of sweat reportedly formed on the temple of one of the more handsome competitors, tracing a line down through the grit on the side of his face, dripping off his jawbone, and splashing on the blacktop in slow motion; an apprehensive young female spectator took her daughter's hand and protectively drew her closer in anticipation of the epic battle; and a flock of pure white birds suddenly took flight from the roof of a nearby church, their beating wings unusually loud in the moment's eerie calm.

No other action or motion was reported, save for the whisper of a hot wind.

While it is not known when or if anyone in the tableau will move, analysts predict that the almost timeless moment of buildup will finally end when the most talented of the local hoop stars issues an aggressive yet stoic statement accepting Cheney's challenge, most likely "Come on if you're comin'," "Let's see what you got, then," or even simply "Yeah."

Aides close to Cheney have confirmed that the vice president will then kick the ball to the top of his foot, bounce it to the inside of his left elbow, pop it to his right hand, dribble through his legs while simultaneously executing an ankle-breaking spin move, take two steps to the foul line, leap to the hoop, and dunk the basketball up to his elbows, sending pieces of the chain-link net scattering into the crowd as Master P's "Make 'Em Say Ugh" echoes throughout the park.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close