‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Bassist Has Little Riff Ready To Go In Case Frontman Goes Around Introducing Everyone

AUSTIN, TX—Saying he had the melodic flourish on hand the moment it was needed, local bassist Mark Handley of the band Sunshine Moon told reporters Friday that he has a little riff ready to go in case their frontman goes around introducing everyone. “If Pete decides to let everyone know our names during the upcoming interlude, I’ll work the B-flat blues scale real nice and then really bend the E at the end,” said Handley, adding that as soon as the lead vocalist says, “Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Handley on bass!” he was fully prepared to grace the small crowd with some slaps and pops, and maybe even “throw a few harmonics in there.” “He’ll probably start with Kevin on guitar, followed by Steve on drums, and by the time he gets to me, I’ll be absolutely primed for a sweet little solo, and I could even add some wah-wah now that I think of it. We have only three songs left, so it’s probably coming up soon—oh man, they’re going to love it when I do a slide all the way up to the 14th fret.” At press time, Handley was quietly devastated after the frontman finished singing their last song, thanked everybody for coming out tonight, and immediately left the stage.

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