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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Bassmaster Somehow Has Huge Comeback

KENTUCKY LAKE, TN—Despite being behind in the catching of fish going into the final segment or round or whatever of last weekend's Bassmaster event, angler Steve Kennedy was able to come from behind to win, presumably by catching more or larger fish at what must be assumed was the last minute. "This was one of the best displays of clutch fishing I have ever seen," said Bassmaster.com reporter Doug Grassian, who is almost certainly an expert in this area. "Keep in mind that he had to contend with a fog delay and encroaching spectator boats. Also, it's amazing that [approximately 300 words omitted], all told this man dug deep down the stretch and came through at the end to show us all what being a Bassmaster really means." Experts are still debating whether or not the performance will change the very definition of bassmastery.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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