adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bathroom Smells Like Shit

GALENA PARK, TX–The second-floor men's room of a Sysco Vending office building smells like shit, disgusted employee Art McCune reported Tuesday. "Jesus Christ, it smells like actual human feces in here," McCune said. "I'm serious–it's like someone walked in, dropped his pants and underwear, straddled a bowl, excreted nearly a pound of fecal matter out of his anus, and then walked right out again." Building custodian Byron Withers apologized for the foul odor, assuring Sysco staffers that by the following morning, the bathroom would be back to smelling like bleach.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close