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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Batting Doughnut Creator Still On Cutting Edge Of Making-Bats-Feel-Lighter-Than-They-Are-For-A-Few-Seconds Technology

ST. LOUIS—At a press conference Wednesday, James Santangeli, inventor of the 16-oz. batting doughnut, assured reporters, baseball players, and general weight enthusiasts that he and his team of engineers continued to lead the way in the field of using something heavy to make something else feel briefly lighter by comparison. "We've got some exciting new doughnuts coming out, including a blue one that that makes the bat feel 0.1-oz. lighter for about 0.3 seconds longer," said Santangeli, adding that a typical batting doughnut makes a bat feel lighter for 8.74 seconds. "We're also working on a green model, a yellow model, a striped model, and even a purple one for softball. When it comes to doughnut-shaped weights and their important role in the heaviness-displacement paradigm, none of our competitors even come close." Santangeli admitted that his firm has also experimented with a reverse weight that would make bats feel heavier, but it tested poorly with players.

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