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BBC Upgrades Flap To Row

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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BBC Upgrades Flap To Row

LONDON—The nightly Ten O'Clock News program on Great Britain's BBC One channel upgraded a minor flap in Parliament's House of Lords to an all-out row Tuesday after Conservative Party leader Thomas Galbraith, 2nd Baron Strathclyde, told the Lord Speaker to sod off. "The fortnight-old handbags suddenly exploded into a proper barney when Lord Strathclyde had an eppy and called Baroness Hayman a 'dozy slag' and then buggered off for a Jack Dash in the bog," BBC political correspondent Basil Islington said. "Needless to say, the other geezers went chicken oriental." The BBC said if the tossers don't jam their tarts by late afto, they will be forced to classify the bull and cow as a paddy, though they haven't ruled out the possibility of a total fucking pagger.

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