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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Bears Deny Placing Snow, Fog Machines On Dolphin Stadium Sidelines

MIAMI—The owners, coaching staff, and equipment managers of the Chicago Bears continue to vehemently deny ownership of the 12 commercial-grade snowmaking machines and six fog generators that somehow appeared on the sidelines of Dolphin Stadium late Tuesday. "I have never seen these machines before, nor has the Chicago Bears organization ever needed to use such things in the course of football operations, as our home stadium is usually well-supplied with both snow and fog," barely discernible Bears head coach Lovie Smith said while standing hip-deep in a snowdrift during his Wednesday-night press conference. "The point is they're here now and we'll just have to learn to live with it—football players, journalists, and prissy indoor-team members alike." Coach Smith went on to say that he would file a formal protest with the league to remove the domed roof that mysteriously appeared on the top of Dolphin Stadium Wednesday morning.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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