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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Bears Giving Jay Cutler A Few Years To Properly Heal

CHICAGO—Claiming they don’t want to rush the veteran play caller, Bears coach Marc Trestman announced Thursday that the team is giving quarterback Jay Cutler three to four years to properly heal from a lingering ankle injury. “For the sake of the Chicago Bears, we feel it’s best for Jay to take as many years as he needs to fully recover,” said Trestman, who reportedly advised Cutler not to worry about returning in time for the playoffs or the 2014 NFL season. “Looking at the big picture and long-term goals of this football franchise, it would be reckless and irresponsible to allow Jay to get back on the field too soon. Unfortunately, high ankle sprains can be tricky and sometimes need one or two hundred weeks to fully mend.” Bears general manager Phil Emery emphasized that Cutler should focus solely on rehabbing the ankle and that signing a contract extension with the team should be the last thing on anyone’s mind.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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