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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Bears GM Hoping To Motivate Jay Cutler With More Guaranteed Money

CHICAGO—Saying that the organization feels compelled to light a fire under its struggling quarterback, Chicago Bears general manager Phil Emery told reporters Wednesday that he is hoping to motivate Jay Cutler by offering him even more guaranteed money from his seven-year, $126 million contract. “We’re willing to do whatever it takes to push Jay to improve his performance on the field, so if a guaranteed $54 million isn’t getting the best out of him, then we’ll just have to go up to $70 million,” said Emery, adding that increasing Cutler’s promised earnings will hopefully incentivize the veteran passer to consistently play at the peak of his abilities and eventually lead the team to a Super Bowl. “All options are on the table at this point, whether we need to restructure his current contract or just scrap it altogether and offer a new 10-year deal with $90 million guaranteed. We just want to make sure we’re doing everything in our power to keep Jay focused on his game and driven to succeed.” At press time, sources close to the Bears front office confirmed that the team will be cutting Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffery, Matt Forte, and Jared Allen in order to clear enough cap space for Cutler’s new salary.

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