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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Bears GM Hoping To Motivate Jay Cutler With More Guaranteed Money

CHICAGO—Saying that the organization feels compelled to light a fire under its struggling quarterback, Chicago Bears general manager Phil Emery told reporters Wednesday that he is hoping to motivate Jay Cutler by offering him even more guaranteed money from his seven-year, $126 million contract. “We’re willing to do whatever it takes to push Jay to improve his performance on the field, so if a guaranteed $54 million isn’t getting the best out of him, then we’ll just have to go up to $70 million,” said Emery, adding that increasing Cutler’s promised earnings will hopefully incentivize the veteran passer to consistently play at the peak of his abilities and eventually lead the team to a Super Bowl. “All options are on the table at this point, whether we need to restructure his current contract or just scrap it altogether and offer a new 10-year deal with $90 million guaranteed. We just want to make sure we’re doing everything in our power to keep Jay focused on his game and driven to succeed.” At press time, sources close to the Bears front office confirmed that the team will be cutting Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffery, Matt Forte, and Jared Allen in order to clear enough cap space for Cutler’s new salary.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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