Bears Offensive Coordinator Working On Innovative New Turnover

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Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now

RENO, NV—Abandoning his campaign’s previous strategies for winning over undecided voters in advance of November’s presidential election, sources are reporting that Republican nominee Mitt Romney is now just telling people he grew up des...

Mark Carson

Mark Carson has made it his duty to immediately inform friends and family of any celebrity deaths, no matter what the deceased’s level of fame.

Area Man Can't Imagine Life Without This Woman

Paul Ryan is knocked over by a pack of rambunctious Romney boys, a personal trainer makes a man put on a humiliating little show for the entire gym, and Google's 9/11 homepage design stirs controversy.

No One Murdered Because Of This Image

WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex act of considerable depravity, no one was murdered, beaten, or had their lives thr...
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Bears Offensive Coordinator Working On Innovative New Turnover

CHICAGO—Promising to "change the way people think about surrendering possession," Chicago Bears offensive coordinator Mike Tice told reporters Saturday that he is currently developing an innovative new turnover for the 2012 season. "Right now we're calling it a double-reverse fumble, but honestly that doesn't capture how truly revolutionary this turnover is," said Tice, who advised skeptics to "forget everything they think they know about giving the ball away." "Imagine a botched snap transitioning into an errant lateral that is somehow also an interception, and that should give you some idea of what we're about to unleash on the league. We'll run it if we feel defenses are starting to get complacent with our normal turnovers." Tice also mentioned that he has spent the past few nights drawing up some bold new illegal formations incorporating as many as 16 players.

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