adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bears Offensive Coordinator Working On Innovative New Turnover

CHICAGO—Promising to "change the way people think about surrendering possession," Chicago Bears offensive coordinator Mike Tice told reporters Saturday that he is currently developing an innovative new turnover for the 2012 season. "Right now we're calling it a double-reverse fumble, but honestly that doesn't capture how truly revolutionary this turnover is," said Tice, who advised skeptics to "forget everything they think they know about giving the ball away." "Imagine a botched snap transitioning into an errant lateral that is somehow also an interception, and that should give you some idea of what we're about to unleash on the league. We'll run it if we feel defenses are starting to get complacent with our normal turnovers." Tice also mentioned that he has spent the past few nights drawing up some bold new illegal formations incorporating as many as 16 players.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close