adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bears Offensive Coordinator Working On Innovative New Turnover

CHICAGO—Promising to "change the way people think about surrendering possession," Chicago Bears offensive coordinator Mike Tice told reporters Saturday that he is currently developing an innovative new turnover for the 2012 season. "Right now we're calling it a double-reverse fumble, but honestly that doesn't capture how truly revolutionary this turnover is," said Tice, who advised skeptics to "forget everything they think they know about giving the ball away." "Imagine a botched snap transitioning into an errant lateral that is somehow also an interception, and that should give you some idea of what we're about to unleash on the league. We'll run it if we feel defenses are starting to get complacent with our normal turnovers." Tice also mentioned that he has spent the past few nights drawing up some bold new illegal formations incorporating as many as 16 players.

More from this section

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close