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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Bears Offensive Line Coach Mike Tice Fairly Close To Learning Difference Between Tackle And Guard

BOURBONNAIS, IL—Despite struggling through the first three weeks of training camp, Bears offensive line coach Mike Tice told a group of reporters Tuesday he has “just about figured out” the difference between offensive tackles and guards. “I can’t say with confidence right now I know which is which, but that’s why we hold training camp,” said Tice, who has tried to label the line formation on his fingers to help him remember but keeps sucking the ink off while thinking about other things. “You work on this stuff now so you don’t have to worry about it during the season.” Though Tice speculated he could learn the difference between the types of players by the beginning of the regular season, he admitted that he continues to struggle with the difference between “left” and “right.”

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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