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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Bears Somehow Proud Of Selves For Beating Vikings

CHICAGO—According to reports from within the Bears organization, pride has somehow been displayed by the team this week following its 39-10 home victory over the struggling 1-5 Vikings. "I thought we looked great out there," said head coach Lovie Smith, who for some reason praised his team's success in containing broken-down Vikings quarterback Donovan McNabb, passing for a mere 267 yards against one of the league's worst defenses, and defeating the last-place team in the NFC North. "And how about Devin Hester's 98-yard touchdown return?" added Smith, expressing pride in a third-quarter play that had no effect on the outcome of the game. Sources within the Bears organization said the team is also inexplicably proud of its 3-3 record this season, its 29th-ranked defense, and Brian Urlacher.

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