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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Bears Somehow Proud Of Selves For Beating Vikings

CHICAGO—According to reports from within the Bears organization, pride has somehow been displayed by the team this week following its 39-10 home victory over the struggling 1-5 Vikings. "I thought we looked great out there," said head coach Lovie Smith, who for some reason praised his team's success in containing broken-down Vikings quarterback Donovan McNabb, passing for a mere 267 yards against one of the league's worst defenses, and defeating the last-place team in the NFC North. "And how about Devin Hester's 98-yard touchdown return?" added Smith, expressing pride in a third-quarter play that had no effect on the outcome of the game. Sources within the Bears organization said the team is also inexplicably proud of its 3-3 record this season, its 29th-ranked defense, and Brian Urlacher.

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