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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Bears Spend Entire Day Waiting Around For Mike Martz To Install High-Powered Offense

CHICAGO—Bears players and coaches spent their first day of training camp Monday waiting for new offensive coordinator Mike Martz to install their much-anticipated high-powered offense, a system Martz originally claimed he would have up and running "right away." "First he showed up late, then he spent most of the morning just figuring out where we want to put the receivers," said Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, adding that his concerns about the installation were directed to Martz's "unhelpful" technical staff. "He was promising us all these huge gains in performance, and said he could give us a bunch of special drills, but honestly, I just want the most basic offense out there." At press time, head coach Lovie Smith had been on hold with Martz for the past three hours.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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