Bears Trainers Worried Concussed Jay Cutler May Never Sulk Again

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Vol 48 Issue 47

Just A Gray TV Screen

Just A Gray TV Screen (PBS) 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST The highly anticipated American debut adapted from the British hit Just A Grey Telly Screen.

Cash Cab

Discovery 5 p.m. EST/4 p.m. CST A passenger in a deepening state of anaphylactic shock is unable to answer the three trivia questions posed to him and is consequently kicked out of the taxi eight blocks shy of Beth Israel’s emergency room.

Not A Shithole

It’s not a shithole. Sure, it could use some work, the plumbing’s not great, and there might be a foundation issue, but come on, a shithole? Why does everyone keep saying that?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Bears Trainers Worried Concussed Jay Cutler May Never Sulk Again

CHICAGO—Bears trainers were reportedly worried about the significant concussion suffered by Jay Cutler during Chicago's loss to the Texans Sunday, expressing fears that the traumatic brain injury might prevent the petulant quarterback from ever sulking again. “Unfortunately, our post-concussion assessments and cognitive testing revealed that Jay has shown a loss of brain function manifesting itself in problems with scowling, a difficulty expressing annoyance, and an inability to bitch about others,” said the Bears head athletic trainer, Chris Hanks. “At this point, it doesn’t look like he’ll ever sulk properly again and will constantly struggle to effectively mope around on the field or the sidelines.” Bears players and coaches as well as numerous NFL scouts confirmed they were confident Cutler would prove doubters wrong by not only sulking, but also throwing hissy fits again like an All-Pro shithead.

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