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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Bears Trainers Worried Concussed Jay Cutler May Never Sulk Again

CHICAGO—Bears trainers were reportedly worried about the significant concussion suffered by Jay Cutler during Chicago's loss to the Texans Sunday, expressing fears that the traumatic brain injury might prevent the petulant quarterback from ever sulking again. “Unfortunately, our post-concussion assessments and cognitive testing revealed that Jay has shown a loss of brain function manifesting itself in problems with scowling, a difficulty expressing annoyance, and an inability to bitch about others,” said the Bears head athletic trainer, Chris Hanks. “At this point, it doesn’t look like he’ll ever sulk properly again and will constantly struggle to effectively mope around on the field or the sidelines.” Bears players and coaches as well as numerous NFL scouts confirmed they were confident Cutler would prove doubters wrong by not only sulking, but also throwing hissy fits again like an All-Pro shithead.

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