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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Bears Trainers Worried Concussed Jay Cutler May Never Sulk Again

CHICAGO—Bears trainers were reportedly worried about the significant concussion suffered by Jay Cutler during Chicago's loss to the Texans Sunday, expressing fears that the traumatic brain injury might prevent the petulant quarterback from ever sulking again. “Unfortunately, our post-concussion assessments and cognitive testing revealed that Jay has shown a loss of brain function manifesting itself in problems with scowling, a difficulty expressing annoyance, and an inability to bitch about others,” said the Bears head athletic trainer, Chris Hanks. “At this point, it doesn’t look like he’ll ever sulk properly again and will constantly struggle to effectively mope around on the field or the sidelines.” Bears players and coaches as well as numerous NFL scouts confirmed they were confident Cutler would prove doubters wrong by not only sulking, but also throwing hissy fits again like an All-Pro shithead.

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