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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Beating The Post-Holiday Blahs

Many people report feelings of depression after the holidays. Here are some ways you can relieve the seasonal doldrums:

■ Coptic and Greek Orthodox Christians celebrate most holidays days or weeks later. Try temporarily converting to extend your holiday mood.

■ Get a full-spectrum light and keep it in your closet. The fact that you know it's there and can be taken out at any time should be enough to cheer you up.

■ You may have thrown out your tree, but you can still pile your ornaments on the couch and celebrate all over again with a Christmas Cushion!

■ Do not read The Road.

■ Many department stores have old men who will let you sit on their laps year-round. Best of all, it's free!

■ Give yourself one more present by ordering a pizza, shaking it next to your ear, and then opening it while sitting cross-legged on the floor.

■ Why are you trying not to be depressed? Frankly, you're more enjoyable to be around when you're sad.

■ Don't forget that no matter how fat you are now, at least one person in the world is fatter. Gross.

■ Consider the number of shitty presents you received. Remind yourself you don't give shitty presents. Now, pat yourself on your superior back!

■ Every office has that one person whom nothing seems to get to. Punch that person in the face.

■ Compared to your everyday blahs, the post-holiday blahs may not be that bad.

■ Induce coma and get woken up on Mar. 20.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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