Beating The Post-Holiday Blahs

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Beating The Post-Holiday Blahs

Many people report feelings of depression after the holidays. Here are some ways you can relieve the seasonal doldrums:

■ Coptic and Greek Orthodox Christians celebrate most holidays days or weeks later. Try temporarily converting to extend your holiday mood.

■ Get a full-spectrum light and keep it in your closet. The fact that you know it's there and can be taken out at any time should be enough to cheer you up.

■ You may have thrown out your tree, but you can still pile your ornaments on the couch and celebrate all over again with a Christmas Cushion!

■ Do not read The Road.

■ Many department stores have old men who will let you sit on their laps year-round. Best of all, it's free!

■ Give yourself one more present by ordering a pizza, shaking it next to your ear, and then opening it while sitting cross-legged on the floor.

■ Why are you trying not to be depressed? Frankly, you're more enjoyable to be around when you're sad.

■ Don't forget that no matter how fat you are now, at least one person in the world is fatter. Gross.

■ Consider the number of shitty presents you received. Remind yourself you don't give shitty presents. Now, pat yourself on your superior back!

■ Every office has that one person whom nothing seems to get to. Punch that person in the face.

■ Compared to your everyday blahs, the post-holiday blahs may not be that bad.

■ Induce coma and get woken up on Mar. 20.


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