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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Beautiful Cinnamon Roll Too Good For This World, Too Pure

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Citing the pastry’s sublime, inviting aroma and the alluring glint reflecting off its glaze, sources confirmed Thursday that a beautiful cinnamon roll was simply too pure for this world, too perfect. “Look at this angelic confection. Never in my life have I laid eyes on such an immaculate swirl, nor glimpsed a crust as delectably golden brown in hue,” exclaimed bakery customer Kristen Garding before realizing that perhaps such a flawless, delicate work of art was not meant for this earthly realm. “Alas, we toil in far too cold and dark a world for such cinnamoned purity as this, such perfection, whose rich, buttery brilliance conjures the divine.” As of press time, the cinnamon roll had been purchased along with a medium cup of coffee.

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